I’ve Been Worrying/ That I’m Losing The Ones I Hold Dear
When I was working, I was a buyer. Which I know for most people is like an accountant or any number of other sort of half-invisible jobs that you don’t really think about. But I liked it, and I was good at it. Arranging things, finding supplies, narrowly succeeding at meeting a need, timing arrivals and replacements, predicting the future, determining comparability of multiple similar options, spatial logistics, arguing about invoices — I think all of it’s like a big, intricate puzzle that I am pretty good at smoothing and sorting out until<ideally> everything just works and everyone has what they need when they need it. That way you can 80% autopilot your job and no one calls you complaining.
‘My my cold hearted child
Tell me how you feel’
Now I find myself doing this kind of work, but for a household. Making sure everything’s paid, things are accurate, everyone’s getting what they need<and there’s enough extra>, tidying up little things before anyone is inconvenienced, driving about, laying things in in advance<food, valentines for school, dog food, shampoo>, balancing time and money and space, organizing and solving logistics problems. Making sure everything runs so that no one is left wanting. I am still doing the bulk of the cooking, but the kids hate mine and A likes to cook, so that’s been gradually shifting into his wheelhouse over time<negotiated, obviously>. He is the far, far better cook, without any doubt. I see cooking the same way I see running the rest of the family, I think; as a logistics issue more than anything. Turns out kids prefer things cooked by people who have a more than utilitarian view.
‘Just a blade in the grass
A spoke unto the wheel’
Getting medicated this year<ADD and anxiety> has truly changed everything. I am thriving keeping schedules, making appointments, planning, finding the one acceptable child cough syrup, carrying and snuggling and patting and rubbing and tucking in, keeping everyone in seamless socks, rotating, prepping, making playdates<that I don’t have to drive to>, replacing thousands of lost and broken Very Important things, consulting teachers, relocating wayward Important Rocks, finding solutions and work arounds — all of it. We call it feral housethwifing<A being the thprouse and Mister being the thrusband of the throuple and therefore I am the thwife>, but it’s very much a micro version of procurement, accounts payable and logistics. Especially in plague times.<I did not mean to end up with four bags of dog food, though>
‘Oh
I’ve been worrying
That my time is a little unclear
I’ve been worrying
That I’m losing the ones I hold dear’
I<now> find myself so content and satisfied with myself that I am actively more concerned about everyone else than I used to have the bandwidth to be. I’m having a great time and I want everyone around me to, too. Which A and the kids are soaking up<all three are comparatively absolutely thriving> but Mister does not know how to accept well. He is not good at being cared for and I’ve been doing it around the edges<remember when I was a woman and super conflicted about being a sub?> where I could for years, but after his grandfather died in October I have recently wrenched the reins away.
‘I’ve been worrying
That we all
Live our lives
In the confines
Of fear’
He got so sad he was mean. For weeks. He was cold to the kids, he was mean to me<which I can handle; I know it passes> he was weird to the dogs, he was snippy with A. His grandparents are his parent figures; they raised him more than anyone. Plus, this whole year has been a lot of his family stuff that only gets weirder. His mom contacted him<the last time he’d seen her, I was 22> to let him know she was dying and almost all his siblings also got in touch and then she did die<August?> after starting a bunch of interpersonal drama and now it turns out the<other> dead sibling is actually alive and has contacted the rest of the surviving siblings.<Mom having lost custody of each and every one before any were 5> He’s also back in contact with his<non-bio> dad, which I hate. But of course, he’s not like I am; ready to excise every unhealing wound as soon as I have the tool.
‘Oh my my cold hearted child
Tell me how you feel
Just a strain in the morning air
Dark shadow on the hill’
Though I do not look forward to cleaning this up later.
‘My my cold hearted child
Tell me where it all falls
Tell me where it all falls
Oh this apathy you feel
Will make a fool of us all’
So I have<in the past few weeks> taken his face tenderly<metaphorically> to my shoulder and told him he must let me care for him the way everyone else in this family does. He can’t be constantly trying to manage my workload or the demand on me. Only I can do that and right now one thing I would like to work on is helping him through this time. He has spent 15 years being patient and kind with me<and I have been the PROBLEM problem quite a lot> and I need to be allowed to do the same for him or he’s not going to make it and neither is our marriage. He’s not navigating this one with no one to rudder and I won’t approve a solo sail no matter how much he thinks this is his alone to travel. Plus you can’t just act like a dick to kids or dogs. C’mon.
‘Oh I
Will become what I deserve
Oh I
Will become what I deserve’
Every 2-5 years we do something like this — a big, sometimes foundational<always confrontational>, restructuring of our arrangement — and we were due. Especially given the fact that our family has grown from him and me and dogs to us four plus two kids and another adult in the last two years and our financial landscape has also completely and radically been reshaped. I’ve always called it realigning our vertices to reduce friction, but it’s always much more than our edges that we are adjusting. This round, it feels like we have finally gotten to some of the foundational weaknesses that we’ve never been ready or able to tackle before<I mean, as you do, but deeper> or even look at honestly. I’ll come back to some of this.
‘I’ve been worrying
I’ve been worrying
Oh I
Will become what I deserve’
I’m so happy to be here and I’m so happy about who is here with me. I sing again. I’m writing this. I get to do a lot of silly bits. I’m showering. I’m doing my laundry regularly and<mostly> putting it away. I’m able to do thoughtful things for people I love on whims. I don’t yell anymore<enthusiasm aside. V despises how loud I am>. But none of this is the meat of what I have to tell you. This is just a preamble.
‘I’ve been worrying
I’ve been worrying
My time is a little unclear
I’ve been worrying
I’ve been worrying
That I’m losing the ones I hold dear’
– Ben Howard