this is supposed to be my vacation…
so i got the time off work for the family vacation to Vero Beach and Walt Disney World a while back before any of this stupid shit that’s happening right now in my life. now that it’s actually happening and i’m here in it, i have to admit i’m struggling hardcore. it isn’t supposed to be this way, i know. i shouldn’t have the trouble i’m having, or so it feels like i shouldn’t. after two days, i’m just sitting back and observing how i’m feeling and how i’m doing with me and my wife still in this fucking weird limbo place. vacations used to be really good for me because 1) the beds were smaller (meaning i got to be closer with my wife while we slept) and 2) we could pile both girls into one area/one bed and keep things centralized and less CRAZY. this trip, however, is weird as fuck just like it’s been at home. yea. separate beds, one kid each, nothing but the cold shoulder. vacation? vacation from what exactly? my sponsor gave me the assignment to find a local AA meeting and go. i was like, ok cool. i can dig it. my wife on the other hand was upset that we had to carve out the time. this…this right here broke my heart. and i’m tearing up again as i’m typing this. but i didn’t at all feel supported in my journey in sobriety. the truth is, i haven’t much felt supported at all by anyone at home. it’s almost like my wife now has an excuse to be as distant as she wants without actually having to go through the paperwork and bullshit that comes with a divorce. me? i’m about at my wits end with all this CRAP. i’m here trying to straighten out my life, and if you’re telling me you support me and that you want to salvage our relationship, then it’s way past fucking time to put up or shut the fuck up and get the hell out of my life. i can’t keep this up for much longer. i mean, this vacation doesn’t even feel like a vacation for me. ok reality. what the fuck am i taking a vacation from? am i just along for this ride so my wife didn’t feel bad about already having planned it out and paid for it? i’m just tired of being treated like shit. i know i haven’t been the greatest husband or father, but i at least meant well.
today was really rough and i completely didn’t expect my sponsor to ask for me to find a meeting here and attend. i guess that’s what i get for telling the truth and being honest about how i’m struggling. but i’m going to do it with or without the support from my wife. she can just get the fuck over it. i got 55 days free from alcohol and i intend to make it another 24 hours. sorry for the rant, but sometimes…sometimes it feels like it’s too much.
-michael