02/11/2021 *9*

So, I tried this roundabout way to get something done because i thought i was slick and it didnt work out. Who woulda thunk that short cuts leave deep wounds lmao. That was me trying to be deep. I am not.


Anyways, so i went to a sOcIaLlY DiSTanCeD comedy show. I needed that. Met a guy on my way there too. It was weird. He was my physical type to a T. It was annoying. I hate when God plays games with me lol. We talked for about an hour. And no, not just me talking and rambling, as i do, he actually got some words in too and I soon realized we had quite a bit in common. Gross. I feel like im over my ex as a partner but we still talk as friends? My life is in limbo really. Its not even real problems too, just dumb ones i focus on. Im still working out everyday. Im working out today in my private gym. Its only private because its closed because of covid and i dont have to listen to the rules because i hold the keys 🙂 (dont worry i sanitize everything after corona nazis)

I told someone at work that ive been working out everyday and he looked at me like ?? I wanted to strangle him but i didnt because he has really pretty eyelashes and i feel like thats more than a reason to live. Plus its too early to be talking about my hEaLtH JoUrNeY anyways, I have to lose like 30 pounds or someone has to notice themselves.

Yoga has been really good for me, I was never an athletic child or teen so just being able to fucking stretch has been a godsend. I dont want to be old and immobile because of the choices i make today. I also want to be one of those people that just do shit. I miss camping. Ive only been a few times in my life but i miss it like i went everyday. Im realizing my vagabonding dreams too. I want that as well but for temporary stints. I dont want to be stuck there.

Anyways the guy i met was like, lets hang out on either sunday, monday or tue (cause hes off) but he gets paid on monday. Ok first of all, awkward. Too much info. Like im never the one to expect a man to pay for a date, i always come with my own money, but i do know most gentlemen will pay. I like to buy something though, like an extra round or whatever. Mostly because i like to drink and Im def not gonna ask you to buy me another drink when im done, i rather just get it myself. So im like lets do it monday and he was acting kinda weird about that. My dumbass then noticed that sunday is Valentines Day. I literally can not even remember the last time i went out and did something cute on valentines day. Like i cant even remember one time LOL. … Well its not that i dont want to go, but i dont want to go lol Hes a nice guy and everything (other than the fact that he says shit like shawty) but 1. Its cold outside. 2. Idk what i will wear 3. I havent had sex in a year and i honestly dont really plan to have sex any time soon. Idk why but its like, once you stop, you stop caring? IDK. And i dont want to lead him on. I dont understand how this always fucking happens to me, and im not trying to seem ungrateful for mens attention (puke) but i dont want to lead this fucking guys on. I dont want to be your gf. I tell them that, they think i want to be their FWB. Bro, there is no benefits here. Im just a girl, thats your friend, that is willing to waste precious netflix binge-ing time on you. Reluctantly. I feel like i only open myself to these situations because im close to 30 and i feel like if i dont, then ill be alone forever, like a lot of the women i know. I dont want to be alone forever but i do like being alone lol. If that makes sense. Anyways, i dont want to ramble about dudes. Time to figure out whats for lunch. a burger and a salad. at first you may think thats not keto or whatever diet youre on, but no, its my one meal (big meal, everything else is fruits and veggie snacks) of the day and i have the lovely opportunity of burning it off after work today. I ran a mile two days ago (that my fitness tracker didnt track, fuck whoop bands) and today i would like to go for two. I really want to run 5k because some hottie on my instagram does it every morning and, hes sexy. lol. ok bye.

Log in to write a note
February 12, 2021

Idk why G-d puts people in our lives rather like lures.  But like the fish we are, we can bite or not bite.  And my step-dad once told me something that has stuck with me for years.  “If you want it, there is always someone else.”  And he’s right.

I think you just need to decide what it is you really want (besides to get fit) and go for it!!


February 12, 2021

@novembercirese Yeah you’re right, the real problem is that i dont know what i want. I dont know where to even begin really.