Thoughts On Our Marriage Counselling

We just had an argument. One of many in the past. Actually I wouldn’t really call it an argument. I saw a funny thing on Facebook and wanted to show my wife. She was on the desktop on Facebook as well and was scrolling through one of her friend’s pictures. I brought the laptop to her and said I had something funny to read to her. Our son, Justin, interrupted and I paused. When I began again, Nichole, my wife, said “just a minute”. I thought she was talking to Justin because he was going to talk again and I was starting to read something. I realized she was talking to me and I confirmed it with her. I saw she had just opened one of the pictures that had some funny list on it.

Her: Yeah, I’m reading something. I was already reading it before you started.
Me: Okay… but you were still scrolling down and hadn’t even clicked on that one when I started reading this…

I walked away and she finished.

Her: Okay, show me whatever it is you want to show me.
Me: Nah, it wouldn’t be enjoyable for me anymore.
Her: Why not?
Me: Eh, the way you said it.
Her: The way I said it?
Me: Yeah. ‘Show me whatever it is you want to show me.’ It seems like I was bugging you.

Then she got up and went into the kitchen. I heard her start crying and, a few minutes later, she told me to make my own dinner. I went in after thinking about it and apologized. She said it was okay. I said I was trying to understand what she was feeling and she said she doesn’t want me to. She was still softly crying for a while, but I got the impression from her that she really didn’t want me around. Many times she’s wanted to say something to me and my tone of voice or whatever indicated to her that she was bugging me and she’s responded with “never mind, I feel like I’m bugging you” each time. It really wasn’t that important and I only like showing people funny things if they are in a good mood. Otherwise it is wasted because they don’t find it funny.

I’m wondering if it has anything to do with our appointment today. We had our 2nd marriage counselor session today. I’ve seen the therapist thrice and Nichole has been there the last 2 of those times. According to her, the problem (even though she says not to think of it as a “problem”) is that Nichole is on the high end of the emotional scale and I’m on the low end, normally ignoring them. Nichole doesn’t feel a connection with me and she can’t until I get more in tune with my emotions and stop thinking so much. Instead of trying to explain my intentions during an argument and trying to get to the heart of the matter, I just need to tend to the symptoms, which are her hurt feelings. I’m not sure how to do that yet.

The problem is that I turn the situation to be about me. I said or did something that hurt her and when I realize what it was, I see that she misunderstood me and so I try to explain what I meant. But the therapist said that that is like trying to explain to someone that you didn’t mean to hit them with your car while they are lying in the street bleeding. The intentions don’t matter. The action does. I’ve always felt the intention mattered more than the action and I’ve lived my life that way.

So when an argument starts, I’m supposed to “STOP”. Stop what I was going to say. Stop trying to explain anything. Stop thinking. Just try to empathize with her and treat the emotions. Emotions and I don’t get along well. I view them as cosmetic. Costume jewelry. Having a sword and shield stage prop in a battle. Having a toy screwdriver when trying to fix a car. Useless for practical reasons and only there for a past time when nothing important is going on. When we have an argument, I don’t want to understand her feelings. That’s like getting trapped in a cave and fretting that you broke a nail. Tending to fingernails is for when you’re in a safe, comfortable environment and time is in abundance. But I’m told that regardless of how counter intuitive it seems to me, focusing on my and Nichole feelings and tending to them is the key here.

I was walking home from work and thinking about that. I’ve been kind of depressed since the session. I feel lost. I feel like I’m in an alien world. I feel inadequate. At a disadvantage. I feel like everything I know is wrong. All my life I’ve been doing things wrong. I feel stupid. I normally try to be the best I can be at whatever I do. I try to reach mastery of something. How can I do the same for this? I’m just starting and other people have been practicing it their whole life. I feel defeated. And anxious. And hopeless. How can this work? I started the therapy sessions trying to find the missing key to our marriage and now that I’m getting a better idea of the problem, it is seeming many times more insurmountable than I imagined.

What can I do? Can this even work? Even if I do the best I can, will I even come within 10% of some other guy who is naturally able to? I feel like I’m depriving Nichole of the happiness she deserves. I feel like I’m wasting her time. She has some health issues. I worry how long she’ll live for. She should be able to be happy before she dies and not waste time with someone who has no clue. If she’s figuratively lying on the ground bleeding, she doesn’t need someone whose extent of medical knowledge is from TV shows. She needs a real doctor. She deserves someone better. Not someone with better intentions, because mine are there, but someone who can perform.