Entry 788: Beginning To Come To Terms

I am a long way off understanding everything and being okay with it all. There is a memory in my head that I’m pretty sure is an actual memory. Although it’s not complete. 

I can’t remember the start of the memory. I can’t remember the end of the memory.

I remember I was in my bedroom at my parents. My bedroom was set up different than what it is now. The headboard was against the radiator, underneath the window.

I was curled up in the fetal position on my right side, crying. My mum was there and she was angry, annoyed, upset, some form of negative emotion. 

Next my dad barges in. I’ll give you something to cry about! He shouted. He reached forward and his hand was suddenly on the side of my face. My dad has big hot hands. I remember the feeling of it over my left ear. He pushes my head down into my pillow. Once. Twice. Three times and then pushes himself up away from me. His hand releases my head, I’m crying more, my hand goes to where his was. 

He storms out of my room. I’d leave you for dead. He said through gritted teeth. 

I’m still crying. My mum is still there. My eyes are shut, I don’t know her emotions or reaction. There’s silence. I hear my door open and close, my mum has left. I’m alone. 

I don’t remember much else about that event. I’m not sure I want to. I do think it would help if I could put a start and an end to it though. Some closure, maybe. 

I need to talk to someone, professional, don’t I?

-Jack