Faking It

I’m so sick of smiling.

MY JOB. I am so nice and welcoming. As a bartender, I do survive off of the tips that I make. The hourly pay definitely doesn’t pay the bills. But, the smile and polite manner isn’t total b.s. It’s pretty genuine. I’ll admit that it’s totally sarcastic sometimes. Being the most sober person in the room can be hilarious. It can also be very stressful. I get asked how I have the patience to deal with everything that is happening. I have built this patience that I have from blood, sweat, tears and the fear of prison. I cut people off without hesitation. I won’t serve an intoxicated person; doesn’t matter how much money they offer. Not worth putting people’s lives in danger and definitely not worth my freedom. But, I’m always keeping up with a smile.

Working in the service industry is one thing. Working in a place where the income is fueled from alcohol consumption is a MF night terror. Don’t get me wrong; I love my job and what I do. It’s a party every day, I learn new things and I get to meet new people from all walks of life. It’s fantastic. But, there’s always some moronic wrench that just has to fuck things up a bit.

I smile while cutting people off. It’s not because I find joy in it. It’s because that is my face at work. Leaving my problems at the front door is a requirement to properly handle the people that I wouldn’t tolerate if I were just a customer.

MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER. I smile and act as if everything is peachy but, it simply isn’t. I just can’t handle his reactions anymore. I have vented to him in the past. He never really vented to me about work unless something kinda major happened. Now, anytime I try to tell him what’s bothering me or even explain some situation that happened or whatever, he snaps and tells me his problems in a way that seems like he’s trying to one up and make my personal feelings and issues insignificant. If Ii confront him about something pertaining to our relationship, he turns it around to make it completely my fault.

I used to be able to talk to him about anything and everything. It’s different now.

But, after showing obvious signs that I’m really fucking sad and telling him over and over about how I feel.. When he asks “What’s wrong?” my answer is “Nothing”

“Are you ok?”  “Yep”

“What’re you thinking about?”  “[insert some random shit]”

I just smile and collect my thoughts. Don’t get it twisted. He doesn’t ask these questions often. I think he’s afraid of the answer.

MY FAMILY. Like I said before, their perspective of me would be changed if they knew what I have actually been battling.. It would break their hearts and alter the way they see me. I like being the weird one that’s an independent, strong, creative, blunt ticking time bomb. I care so much about their faith in me that I can’t let them see me down. I will smile so big, you’d think I’m made. I have vented and broken down to some family. But, again… I don’t like follow up questions. I let things go pretty easily. I don’t care to revisit whatever set me off enough to vent and/or break down.

COWORKERS. My coworkers are wonderful. But, it’s a domino effect. Happy high energy and smiles are contagious. One bitch gets in a mood, the mood spreads and infects others, and we all suffer. So, I prefer to keep the good vibes rolling through my work environment. So, laying my problems on friends that are scheduled to hang out with me.. no thanks.

I love being me. I’m truly blessed to have the life I do and to be surrounded by wonderful people that care about me. I just wish I could give up my exterior and let someone know I’m becoming hollow. It hurts. I don’t feel like I’m choosing to be this way. But, considering the fact that I’m not doing anything to change it, I guess I may be choosing without realizing. I’m just trying so hard to work with what I have and with what’s in front of me.