Why Am I Doing This

I created this online journal to relieve myself of the internal exhaustion, pain and conflicts that I have been experiencing the last couple of months for a number of reasons that I’m going to explain. The reasons I need to do this instead of telling a family member, a friend, a coworker, an acquaintance, long time customer or my s.o. are:

1. It will come across as bitching and I am not usually the one that’s known for out right and openly putting my personally hurt feelings out there.

2. I will be judged. My reputation is strong. Of course, I have the right to express my natural, human emotions. But, I have a strong reputation for being that straight forward individual as well as a stern, set in stone and responsible bartender. The Head Bartender. I am respected for that and I will not give that up. Although.. my reputation will continue in that light because, the first display of disrespect will be met with consequences. My reputation was not magically pulled from thin air. I just do not want my community to see my personal drama.

3. Paper trails. I love to write. Anything handwritten is very personal. I don’t want to put pen to paper about inner turmoil. It will become too personal, too real and too close to home.

4. The ones I do feel comfortable talking to are the ones I don’t feel comfortable talking to.. Sad and confusing, right? I fucking know.. So, here’s the deal. 

-My Family. Anything I tell them hits hard and of course, their perspective is altered. They’ve seen me endure a fuck ton of absolute crazy bullshit. Genuine, life altering and world shattering bullshit. I keep coming back stronger. I’m finally looked at as a solid adult.

-Friends. I don’t really have any. None that I speak to regularly and/or see outside of my workplace.

-Coworkers. I consider them friends. But, I don’t see them outside of my workplace either. Also, I have to see them regularly. I don’t like being asked follow up questions. Like “Oh so, how’d that go?”.

-Acquaintances and Long Time Customers. Acquaintances are basically people you know that you don’t know. Strangers with names. No personal anything. Long time customers are used to seeing me bubbly and happy. That’s one reason why I’m well liked amongst the customers in general. If I’m not, I’ll be asked a thousand times if I’m ok, told that I look sick/tired or lectured about health, happy living and God.

–My Significant Other. He was my best friend. He was wonderful and so good to me. He’s amazing. He’s my everything. He is the love of my life. He has been the best person I have ever gotten the pleasure of knowing. & it’s been a miracle and dream come true to be loved by this man. I consider myself very lucky. Yes, he is my significant other. But, expressing these thoughts and feelings to him wouldn’t be appropriate. He takes things very personally and tends to be somewhat sensitive.

So… here I am.