in every trial not demand relief

Last summer, I had an unusual experience.

Something happened, someone said something that upset me. I said no. I refused to accept the statement, concept, whatever. I was very angry. I said my peace.

Two hours later, I became totally apathetic. I believe that I used up any “feel-good” chemicals in my brain in one burst. Is that possible to do? I would like to know if that has been researched. I was ready to stop living. It was the closest I came to the “S” word, and I didn’t care. That feeling went on for over a week.

Went to Dr. who thought perhaps my antidepressant of 17 years stopped working. Dr gave me samples, and because ins wouldn’t cover, kept me supplied in samples til after the holiday. A week ago I called to get more samples and was told they were out. Game changer. They gave me samples of something different, but I don’t want to try it. I don’t want to go through the side effects. I am going to keep them on hand in case I need them, but I am going to try to go without antidepressants. I will try to not allow myself to get worked up and flash my brain again. I am exercising and eating healthy. Stopped drinking. Cannot seem to sleep very well yet, but I believe that will straighten out as the residual medication leaves my system.

Bro Wagar said this condition was part of my ministry and would enable me to have compassion for others.

In every trial not demand relief. My life is not my own. I know that. As much as I want out of this condition, I am determined to be obedient and serve my Lord the best I can. I stumble and fall, but He is my strength. In spite of, or perhaps because of my weakness, God uses me to minister. I decided to show myself the same compassion I try to show others. I find myself saying: “its ok honey” to myself now. Still occasionally saying: “stop!” when the thoughts go rogue. I am blessed. I am more than blessed in that I am not required to be perfect, or in control. I am not my own. I am totally content with that. I am a child of the King. And He loves me, even though I cannot walk on my own two feet.

Dream: Drempt we flew to where kids were, but we missed our flight. Instead of going to next gate, we wandered around, used the bathroom, wasted time til 1 AM. In reality it was 1 AM. Weird. I was floating in the air above an ocean. I had an earbud device so I could talk to little Andrew. It was like my lifeline. i was totally lost without it.

faith hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.