Going Crazy Mom of 4

Haven’t been here in a while…I hope everyone of you is well. Is it wrong that some days I feel like dropping everything getting up and running away form my kids? I mean I love them with all my heart I would not have a life without them, but when everything relies soley on me mentally, physically, emotionally, financially and my head is barely floating above the water….why can’t i get a break? Why can’t i breathe without having to pick up someones mess? Why can’t I go out with a friend instead of being home literally no lie 24 hours a day every single day with my kids. My mental health has been deterioating lately…my anxiety attacks are quite litearlly all day every single day. I know it gets better and I will miss this phase of my life. However, i dont think its fair that i am raising all of my kids alone when the fathers are having the time of their life. Nobody helps finacially filed for child support but they dont enforce the way they should. Nobody offers to watch my kids not even the grandmother of my first born lol shes a joke nobody in that family even acknowledges my daughter except her father but her step mother walked right by her not even knowing who she was tells you how much they see her. she hasn’t been to her dad’s in over 5 years. He lives 20 minutes away. my son’s dad well hes in jail and his family is worthless dont have anything to do with  my son the only one that would have passed away. and my 2 other kids their father is in prison for the next 30 years and his mom and grandmother help me with them when they can. My parents help me how they can when they can but are elderly I wish they would have had me younger I didn’t get the luxury like my siblings did of younger parents eager and willing to watch babies and do fun stuff with I missed out on that. Its sad watching them grow from strong people to someone who can barely walk breaks my heart to hink one day they wont be here anymore. I guess I’m quite manic at this point my brain is all over the place. I work from home, I go to school from home and since nobdoy will watch my kids i dont leave my home without my kids. friends don’t visit nobody calls i pay the phone bill for facebook which lately has been annoying me with this cold play nonsense. I’m rambling…but i have nobody to talk to nobody to help. My car is breaking i have to turn it in on wed and i will be without a car for 2 weeks to a month. My kids start school in August and I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to get school supplies and school clothes…no idea…maybe thats why i have anxiety so bad. ….The bills keep piling up and the job pays decent money but its all taken by bills. if i didnt hve kids id live in my car to save money. I cry when they fall asleep for feeling so guilty for wanting to just have a day to myself…im tired of doing this by myself im tired of wondering how im going to pay my light but i want them to have the best college degree could not come fast enough. I need help getting their school clothes….idk what to do ….sorry for venting…idk what else or who to talk to .