Illusion seen..

You know as time progresses, truth becomes seen. My best friend was not who I thought he was. I gave him the benefit of the doubt over all of these years and our time away has made me realize quite a few things. He truly was not a good person. He never loved me. Just like everyone else in my life, he used me.

I have tried to battle these thoughts continuously, but I started putting myself in his shoes and tried to envision what I would do in his place. Problem was, I had been in his place, multiple times. I fought tooth and nail for our friendship, to the point of dismantling potential long-term, committed relationships. I was willing to sacrifice love for friendship because I thought I found family in him. Boy was I right, just like my family. Manipulative, using, and just uncaring of others.

If my ex-husband to this day was in trouble, I would assist him in some way, shape, or form. I was reaching out to my best friend for guidance during a dark moment and he slapped my hand away. He didn’t care or reached out at any point. He did lie and say the day prior that if I needed anything he would be there, which honestly just brings me back to the days of when I spoke to my mother and sister. Bold face lies because when I needed them, they were never there.

I remember when I was getting severely depressed prior to leaving my ex-husband and I wrote a letter to my sister, reaching out. She ignored my letter, she did not write, did not call, nothing. The letter was borderline worrisome of self-harm for anyone that may read it if they had a heart. I asked about this years later and her response was, “I didn’t know what to say.” Could you imagine? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to someone that reached out to me in that state. This is the care and concern for supposedly family, so yes, in a way he is just like family. Just not the one I have prayed for.

I honestly ignored all of the signs. When he moved in and didn’t pay rent for nearly a year, didn’t get a job to pay for the rent, nor attempt in any way to help me financially as I was having financial woes. Even now, with my stomach issues since January and in financial crisis, he has not attempted to give me the $4400 he still owes me.

When I yelled at him for being ungrateful for such an amazing mom. This woman would bring food over to him when he lived with me, cooked meals and groceries. My mother wouldn’t even go to with me to try on wedding dresses nor look at potential homes with me. He did nothing for her birthday or mother’s day. Maybe I should have taken upon myself to use his neglect for my own gain of being apart of such a wonderful woman.

Now I know I was no angel by any means and of course, as I thought of him like a sibling, I would go to him with my thoughts and feelings, but isn’t that what a friend is for? Isn’t that kind of the point? At what point did he just spill continuous lies to me? I know I can be naïve, looking at the best in people, but with a family history like mine, can you really blame me?

I feel as if my ex-boyfriend only wants to be around because he is hoping to get with me. Will he allow a friendship to grow, like with my previous best friend to only hurt me and disown me? Its hard to trust anymore because instead of seeing the good in others, I see potential intensions. Questioning why people are doing what they are doing to protect myself with a complete wall surrounding me on all sides. I’d say it was close to paranoia to be completely honest.

It hurts, because that is not the person I am and I have always wanted to be a better person each day and instead I am becoming a hard individual each day. Of course in the back of my mind I sit there and think, oh man I should message my gaming friend since she took her dog to the emergency vet last week. Or damn I forgot to ask how my ex-boyfriend is feeling since he had a cold earlier week. Those are good intentions, right? Maybe I didn’t lose all of my heart, it just feels like it.

I feel like, right now, I lost someone who like so many others dubbed me in thinking they cared about me. It’s like when I lost my dad and I sat there and thought about how close we actually were. Why weren’t we closer? What stopped us from having a stronger relationship? Did he truly love me? That last one is a continuous question with anyone in my life.

When someone has only viewed love through others without being amidst the everyday nuisances of life, you romanticize what love is. I don’t know what it entails because I didn’t see it while I grew up. I picture a mom cooking meals, helping with schoolwork, taking care of you when you are sick. I see dads teaching you outdoor activities, helping with schoolwork, listening to problems. I see sisters giving you hell but always having your back. I guess TV relationships are what I had to go by.

I know in relationships of any sort, there is a give and take, there is a type of using of one another. I think of it as using others attributes that you are lacking to help better each other. Ultimately, we can’t all be good at everything so we find strengths in others, befriend them, and use their strengths as they use yours. Building each other up to be better people together. But it should always be a give and take. Not using someone for attributes and providing nothing in return. I wonder if my best friend felt this way…