May 5, 2020
I’ve been having a lot of conversations in my head with myself lately. I thought it might be good to write it out, as best as I can.
I want to get the fuck out of here. I’ve been here for five months now. It’s time to go.
What’s the rush? The entire state is in quarantine, bitch. Why not be here if you can?
I know the state is on lockdown but I feel like I’ve been on lockdown for 8 months now. 8 months that my life has stood still. More than half of it, I’ve been standing still here.
But she needs you. Or she needs someone, at least.
Exactly! SOMEONE! Why does it have to be me?
Well you were the one who volunteered to move in when she got sick.
I know, I know. But why do I have to be the one to stay through the end, to stay until she gets better. What if she doesn’t get better?
But what if she does and you’re the thing that helps her?! What if you’re the one that pushes her to that line.
I’ve been trying to push her to that line for months now. And a lot has happened that I couldn’t help. But all the doctors are saying the same thing. They’ve done all they can do, it’s in her hands now. And she doesn’t want to live. So why should I have to be the one to convince her to try anyway?
Wouldn’t you want someone to do it for you?
Of course I’d want someone who would do it for me – but at what cost? This doesn’t feel worth it anymore. I feel myself losing my grip. Losing my patience, my empathy. I’m just frustrated and upset.
What do YOU even have to be upset about? Think about her life, you selfish twit. Think about the husband of 50+ years she just lost. Think about how that must hurt. Think about how scary it must be to have breast cancer, to know that this sickness inside desperately wants to come and eat all your other cells and kill you. And then your mom dies. And then your husband dies. And then the cancer starts to get better, right when you hoped it would get worse. Can you imagine how any of that feels?
No, that’s exactly my point. I can’t imagine because it’s so far from my own experiences that I can’t relate. I can empathize. I can consider and think about how I think she might feel, but I know none of it compares. But maybe that’s just more amo for my argument that I shouldn’t be here anymore.
And who should?
Why do I have to decide that! She’s not even my mother. My own mother should be thinking of this shit, not me.
Well you’re the one that made her feel incapable of taking care of her own mother. You’re the one who inserted yourself. Now you’re “tired” and want out?
Yes! Now I’m tired and want out. I didn’t mean to make her feel incapable. It’s just that I’m good at being a caregiver, to a point. I’m good at the doctor’s visits, I have memorized and researched and understand all the medicines. I know what every grunt means. I know what the mood will be before she opens her mouth.
See, isn’t that beautiful? It’s like a partnership! Just think about how you’re going to look back fondly to this time when the day comes that she eventually does pass.
When that day comes, it will be terrible. But I can tell you now, that not all of this time will be looked back at with fondness. And that’s okay. I knew it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. But it feels like the park is starting to flood and the storm is showing no sign of backing off. I’m not superman. I’m limited. I can’t do it all. I’m letting pieces of myself go, I can feel it.
But wouldn’t you say you’re discovering new pieces too?
Yes, of course. But fine. Let’s say you’re right. If now isn’t the time to start planning a way out, when is? When do I know I’ve done enough. When have I done “all that I can do,” truly? Because parts of me feels like I passed that milestone weeks ago.
I don’t know.
Well fuck. I don’t know either then.
You need a good old fashioned break. Perfect! You need some time and space.
Here’s my voice giving you permission.
So what you’ll do is begin to work on taking a safe break. There will need to be another or other caregivers to relieve you of your shift. This is what’s supposed to happen. I don’t know the resources available to you but right now you’re going to have to shift from caregiver to part time case manager, in order to make arrangements for your substitute. And part of the negotiation might be that while you’re on break, maybe you’ll become just a visitor.
It’s alright. It has to be because you have needs, too. Period.
@elcreature this is such a beautiful thing to read, I appreciate your assertiveness. I’ve taken some small breaks, another family member has come for a weekend a few times, but I think this + quarantine makes even the breaks feel suffocating. My breaks are just me staying in one negative space to another. I desperately miss having my OWN space, my own area to truly decompress. Just a hard balancing act when I cant have that + still help.
But you’re right. If I’m allowing her to have this much energy from others devoted to HER needs, I have to devote a decent bit to myself, too. I deserve it. Right?
@kale oh absolutely. It’s crucial because you’re already in a mild level of distress. It’s not stress, it’s distress, and when a person is forced to live in distress very serious disasters and damages can occur. You don’t want to become debilitated and incapacitated but that’s exactly what prolonged distress can lead to. Been there, done that. I spent over a year on full bed rest, and that was after several years of chronic, unmitigated, unabated acute trauma, crises and distress. I lost a massive portion of my mind and my memories (catastrophic loss). Pssh, I’m speaking mildly and I’m not exaggerating.
You know what the worst part of my acute distress was?
Nobody recognized it. Not even quacks (so-called medical professionals).
You’re calling out into the world and I don’t hear or see stress. I hear and see distress, but I can tell that it’s not acute.
This means you’re late and past due. Your own needs have been going unmet. It’s to the point now where it has become too much and for too long.
Even in your worst case scenario you won’t get to even 1/4 severity of the hell I went through, whew for you! But distress should be taken seriously.
@elcreature oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear that that happened to you. What spurred it? How did you get over it? Are you “better” now? I hope you are.
It’s so frustrating when no one recognizes your issues. I’ve had plenty of medicine-related problems that nurses and doctors have literally shrugged off when I knew was serious.
But yes, what you’re saying about my situation sounds pretty spot on. It feels good to have vocabulary for it – distress. It’s been a long time coming. It feels like I’m walking a tightrope everyday and even the slightest gust of wind will push me over. I’m hoping a physical distance for a prolonged period is the thing that resets me, but I guess we’ll see. I hope the guilt from the distance doesn’t become an issue, but it’s a balancing act, I suppose.
@kale it may be one of those bittersweet sort of things where having your needs met will come with a… let’s say the proverbial thorn on the rose. But, I think that’s a bit extreme for your scenario. Unless it’s not. I read your other entry and was astounded. You’re wonderful, amazing and awesome. ! Truly, you are. Your heart and mind are right, and in the right places. Mucho, mucho bueno.
Things like what you’re going through I’m sure are transformative. In other words, you seem to want to return to your prior self (naturally) but the reality is that you might find you’re a little bit different now. Like as if you’ve got a new surface on a multifaceted gem or jewel. 💎
It’s sorta like, how YouTube and other sites periodically change the design of the platform. It’s annoying and most people pain for the prior version they lost and pain for the new version they hate. Then they get used to it and the whole cycle repeats itself. And we’re all still nostalgic for the past…
Summer is coming! It will be a good time for you to form and shape and develop the things you want and need to feel better.
As for the guilt thing, just remember the sort of things God can do that we can’t. And in that, you’re looking at the space where “as much as I would love to be able to be boundless and do it all, I’m not able and that’s okay.” Being realistic about those sort of things should keep undue guilt in check and in its place. You do not have malice, or greed or inappropriate selfishness. There is no basis for guilt.
My situation, groan. I’d give you all the smoldering details but you don’t need to be exposed to my craperoni right now lol. Thank you, though. 😊
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