In my mind, I live a different life.
I close my eyes and live in a world where every color is rich like velvet and so bright it hurts your eyes. The grass is like a deep lush carpet that covers my toes. The ground underneath the grass is cool and damp, and mother nature is lounging amongst the tree roots, laid out like a beautiful serpent maiden.
In this beautiful place there is someone for me to love and someone to love me back.
In this world I am never ugly.
I am beautiful in my lover’s blue eyes.
In this world there are no monsters and no fear and you are always safe, even if you are not in someone’s arms. The sun is always on your face. The water is never rough, but always clear like glass and its beauty is real! You can trust it. There are no surprises lurking just underneath the surface to drag you to the bottom and snicker at you while you struggle to live.
In this world I am never afraid.
I am fearless in my lover’s eyes.
The days in this world never end until you’re nestled snugly on a big downy mattress covered with the finest silk sheets, pressed against the naked body of the one you want to spend every second of moonlight with for the rest of your life.
I know in THIS world that I live in, in REAL life, I sleep alone. I have to lay upon my side with my arms wrapped around my chest to hold my heart captive inside my body while it beats out my hapless song.
And in the morning, I have to check and make sure it didn’t escape in the night to go searching for the answers to the questions I left unasked, afraid of rejection and of the blow to my fragile sense of self should I be denied or laughed at.
In my world, I am always the one and only woman in my lover’s heart and I will never have to smell the sick stench of death they call unreciprocal love. In my world, I never have to understand why I can’t be loved as much as someone else, or be as sexy as the other “her” and what level of desirability I fall at on the scale is never a question I need to ponder.
In my world I know what it’s like to close my eyes and be able to sleep peacefully for the first time in forever, because everything that keeps me alive is warm and breathing is finally beside me.
In my daydream world, I never have to hide from the lover that is supposed to offer me the highest salvation but instead stabs me in my back and leaves me to bleed while he cavorts with a sophisticated woman, one that doesn’t have pink hair and in your face bedroom eyes.
It matters not if she can hold her whiskey or get down to business in a ponytail. It matters not if she can lace her Domme boots in the dark or milk a prostate or give you an enema and that’s why SHE will never be ME.
None of them will.
If I never get to keep the lover of my technicolor dream, I know what it felt like to almost have him. That’s a lot more than most people have so I should be aware that I have lived a privileged life.
Privilege is invisible to those who have it.
I was blind.
But now I see.