Hate is a 4 letter word

I’m being eaten alive with hatred for Roger and Icky Vickie.

He moved that despicable woman into the home he shared with his wife all those years. I’m not a big fan of wifey, but how hurt she must be makes me almost feel sorry for her.

That bastard kept me on a string for 15 years and never once made me priority or legitimized me in any way and I gave him everything, every part of me.

I cannot believe he chose someone like Vickie to play house with. He was always so concerned about me hurting his wife, but he allowed Vickie to destroy her, and hurt me, too. He didn’t just “let” her, he rewardekd her for her nasty behavior.

I am having a hard time putting him at her level. He has basically married the kind of person he used to show grace and benevolence towards as he helped them better their circumstances .

Now he has taken one in as his caretaker and lover.  I just don’t know what made her the better candidate than me and I guess it bothers me for the simple reason that I loved and believed in him but he didn’t love me at all, as evidenced by the way he left and replaced me without having the integrity to tell me what was coming.

Knowing he could end my pain with a simple heartfelt apology doesn’t make it any easier to forgive him OR myself, for being stupid enough to keep believing in him.

Somehow I have convinced myself that I deserve a broken heart for caring about someone who has no regard for me. Somehow, his memory and his actions still hurt me. How could he just throw me away so easily and how does it still have the power to hurt me, even when I’m happy and loved by someone better to me and for me.

I know why. It’s because my heart cannot believe I meant so little to someone that meant so much to me.

My lover has tried everything in his power to give me a reason to trust and love someone and he has succeeded. I love and trust him enough to talk to him about my feelings and he holds me and reassure me that he isn’t Roger and that he loves me for everything he didn’t and then some.

This morning he told me he didn’t think he could ever be the same without my touch. He said my touch is like magic and it transports him to a whole different dimension where all he feels is love and adoration and security. He said it is the only time he allows himself to be vulnerable to someone.

And he is right. I touch him like he is my salvation because I don’t care if Jesus died on the cross for me.. this man did more than that. He dies a little every day he falls short of trying to fill that last crack in my heart so I can be whole again.

He tells me every day that I am beautiful and strong and his and that he will love and protect me at all costs and he promised to never be the one to hurt me. He went one better and promised to never let anyone else hurt me either.

But he can’t take away the pain of knowing a man I loved and trusted for 15 years has made a mockery of me and taken my pride.

He won’t take anything else from me.

I’m done giving him any real estate in my mind and same goes for Vickie. She has it worse than me I bet, if her Facebook posts have anything to do with her lover and her lack of trust in him.

She posts cosmic stuff about ditching people that don’t value her or recognize her worth and how heartless a word betrayal is. Yup,. She bemoans about being devalued and betrayed. Well, how does it feel to get what you wanted so badly?  How does it feel to be owned by someone you have watched carelessly shit on two other women that loved him fiercely? She saw how they fared and she’s hoping he is now too old to do her like he did the rest of us. And she needs her free ride cuz Lord knows the guys she usually attracts probably live in cardboard boxes on the north side.

She got big daddy to pay her way now.

And there’s something kinda icky about letting a man 20 years your senior pay your way for the pleasure of eating your pussy cuz he can’t fuck you.

Ain’t no house worth the negligence he showed ME as a lover so I can’t imagine you’re doing any better. O

Both Roger’s wife (ex?) and myself can afford to take care of ourselves. We can afford houses without him for a landlord. We don’t have to suck his dick and make him feel like a big shot to get our needs met.

How does it feel to live in the house he built for someone else? Lmao, you’re next on the chopping block unless you cater to that twisted fuck so I don’t know why I waste one iota of my precious life thinking about your ugly ass.

And if I was you, I don’t think I’d rest easy cuz Bitch, your new house is made of glass.

And all it takes is one small rock.