Humpty Dumpty

Time to write an entry about ME.

I’ve been battered and I feel the effects. Throughout this whole ordeal, I’ve cried a million tears. I’ve felt utterly alone and I’ve had days where I can’t sit still because the uncertainty, loss and anxiety become overwhelming.

I worry constantly for my lover’s health and safety

The last few days have me worried for my OWN health and safety

After 15 years, I did what I never thought I’d do. I spoke to my ex’s wife. Because he asked me to, even though I knew it would only serve to hurt me and so did he. I think he asked me to do it to make things better for him. I think so little of myself and so much of him that I actually did what he asked of me.

As if being verbally abused and mentally harassed by Vickie wasn’t enough, now his wife’s horrible insults are ringing in my ears.

I cannot remember all the hurtful things she told me, because about half way through her tirade, I began to fall apart and the weight of the last year came crashing down upon my shoulders and all I could do was break down in tears. I went numb. I stopped listening and just cried. That’s when she hung up on me.

Then she proceeded to text me for the next four hours, on and off. I even told her that I deserved her insults and rage. Why? I don’t know. For him, I guess.

Between her and Vickie, I’ve been called ugly, stupid, bitch, liar, whore, cunt, slut, a homewrecker, a bad mother, evil, sinful, sick, desperate, non deserving, ignorant, an idiot, worth nothing, a stupid fuck, asshole, cheater, and the list goes on but those are just a few that stuck.

I feel numb inside and out. The words bounce off me yet each one impales me first. I don’t know what I feel because I’m not sure that I CAN feel anymore. I feel nothing but exhaustion and failure and all I want is someone to hold my battered body.

I yearn to be held and to hold on to someone solid that loves me, but he is gone. He is lying with the women whose words made me feel small and weak.

He doesn’t need me anymore. He never comes. When he speaks to me it is usually prompted by one of the other women doing something hurtful to me.

Or, most recently, because he needed his wife to believe in him for some reason or another and somehow, her being able to call me names and threaten me furthered whatever cause he had at the moment cuz I ain’t heard from him since.

It was all about exonerating him so she could take him back and save face. Hurting me allowed her to do that. Blame me, exonerate him, so she feels justified in wanting him back and taking him back.

She told me to stop chasing her husband.

He’s there overnight and all the time. He can’t even make phone calls, and he expects me to believe he is divorcing her.

You don’t appease and allow yourself to be taken hostage by someone you’re divorcing and separating yourself from. I didn’t think I could hurt more.

I am so broken. Maybe I finally shattered. I don’t know what’s left of ME.

Or how I will pick up the pieces.