I’m gonna lay around the shanty.

Today is Thursday and I’m still at the cottage.

I’ve been here since Monday.

There is solace in being alone. Today, I floated on the water and listened to the sounds around me and I tried to think good thoughts but the ugly truths kept replaying in my head.

He doesn’t just have sex with her.

He has a relationship with her.

He tells her all the same things he told me. Maybe he does all the same things for her that he did for me. He said she was more convenient and provided him the extra stimulation he craved, the stimulation he doesn’t want from me or that he can’t afford or spare the time for. He maintains daily contact with her, and asks her about the things that are important to her and I bet he tells her she’s sexy because the bastard says it to me.

And he did it right under my nose like I didn’t matter at all, but that’s not the worst part.

No.

The worst part is he can’t even pretend to be sorry. He won’t admit to doing wrong…and he hasn’t uttered so much as an apology of any sorts because he’s more concerned with dodging allegations than he is with being sorry.

He’s only sorry he got caught.

He can’t be faithful to me and I already didn’t trust him, for very good reason, obviously. Now I can’t even hope for empathy, remorse or self reflection. There is absolutely no way on God’s green earth this motherfucker is EVER going to be faithful to me. In 14 years, he has told nobody but one person that I even fucking EXIST cuz he didn’t want to risk hurting his wretched old dungeon master of a wife.

He didn’t give two shits about hurting and betraying ME. To add insult to injury, he wasn’t even careful…he didn’t care if he got caught! He knew full well that disrespecting me again would result in our forever separation.

But. He. Did. It. Anyway.

Now, he’s asking me if I want to chat on the phone and telling me that he missed our nightly talk.

Maybe he will call HER now on his way home.

Maybe when he sees HER his eyes will sparkle and she will fill his vision and I will be just another one of his worn out vehicles, neglected now that I struggle to start on cold days.

I hate the man I love for hurting me so deeply. I hate the man I love for not meaning it when he said I was his baby and when he looked into my eyes and said I love you.

I hate him for not loving me enough to protect me from hurt and additional or unnecessary pain.

Now I’m stupid and alone.

But the alone part feels ok.

I’d rather be alone than to be repeatedly taken for granted and hurt by the person that claims to love me.

My lover wouldn’t give me legitimacy. He didn’t assign me enough value. He wouldn’t make me his girlfriend or wife and he told me we would never live together or have a relationship outside of an affair and I accepted it all with one condition…that he be loyal to me. He knew that it was important to earn my trust so that I could feel safe enough to receive pleasure from him.

ALL he really had to do to be my hero was THAT…BE LOYAL. GUARD MY FEELINGS.

But he didn’t. And this closing quote is not only fitting, but it was the inspiration for this entry. It says everything about my lover’s tactic of throwing up smoke and mirrors to make himself look less culpable. Things such as focusing on issues that do not pertain to what he has done wrong, like whether or not I think he’s sexually attracted to me.

Of course I don’t think you’re sexually attracted to me, for fuck’s sake, because you would rather have sex with someone else…and you currently ARE. That’s pretty indicative of lack of interest, or losing sexual attraction to someone…when you need to choose someone other than that person to be naked with and licking once a week in the mid afternoon, or maybe weekends, which is probably why your suspicious wife was looking for your lying ass.

HE is a serial cheater. That’s the problem, NOT my degree of sexual attractiveness.

All my lover had left TO offer me was his fucking loyalty.

So yeah, the quote I chose summed it up better than I could and it is as follows:

“Those who do not understand the REAL value of loyalty, tend to underestimate the cost of betrayal.”

Time to pay up, lover.

Hope you can cover it.

Cuz I’m flat broke.