Is there anybody out there?

I am done with Donny. I don’t want to see him anymore. He is acting oblivious to that fact, but I can’t believe he could not know what the problem is. How can he give so little and expect SO much in return, and then act as if he’s entitled to it?  I’m over it.

He’s persisting in trying to see me because he gets a lot from the relationship between him and I. He buys me liquor and sex toys and in return he gets the sex toys used on him and I get an ego boost I guess. And validation that I’m desirable to someone.

To be honest, I’m not sure what it is that I get. But, I know what I DON’T get.

I can have all the oral sex I want and pretty much anything else that I ask for, sexually.

But that is the problem.

I don’t ask.

And the reason I don’t ask is because he doesn’t seem interested and that makes me feel humiliation and embarrassment. How would it make ME or ANYONE feel to have to ASK your lover to reciprocate to you sexually? It’s made even WORSE by the fact that he has a “proper” girlfriend that he sees in public and has a commitment to. This is what I have always allowed men to do to me.

I’m the one they want for sex and fun. I’m not the one they want for a life partner or a real girlfriend or wife. They choose others for that and keep me a secret to everyone.

Because they are ashamed of me. I’m not normal, I guess. And it hurts to say it out loud.

Donny HAS started randomly trying to get me off during our time together over the last few months and I appreciate it, but there is not enough tenderness between us for my liking. It’s not sincere. It’s what he needs to do to get his end goal met. Who “appreciates” their lover “making an effort” to return their affection?

He doesn’t care enough about me to make me feel like catering to him anymore. He doesn’t give back any of what he gets. My orgasm is an afterthought, or a chore he has to do before he can play outside.

And he’s arrogant.

But OH, does he like ME.

I’ve tried to leave him a bunch of times because of this sexual disparity between us and his response was and still is to question my decision, argue with me and then get angry at me for not being happy. He throws a fiery tantrum and tosses my own words back at me in a twisted way until I cave from the unrelenting pressure. I guess him recognizing the problem and attempting to fix it isn’t one of my options.

Eventually, he emotionally manipulates me by luring me there with the hint OR promise of his affection, whichever one it takes, cuz he’s learned my weakness and he uses it to his advantage. He knows how much I want to be held and touched and kissed and he does not do enough of that, or any of that, for that matter. After I’m done being his Domina, he doesn’t even hold me as we fall asleep, and sometimes he turns his back to me and I lay there in the dark and silently cry for Roger. I cry to be loved. Donny’s affection is given in haste and without much enthusiasm and I’m just tired of being his fetish queen.

When I leave him I feel ashamed for selling myself short and I drive home feeling empty, numb and sad. Stupid. Gullible. Dirty. Alone.

When we discussed the issue, Donny claimed he thought being his Domina WAS THE sexual pleasure I got from our time together. I told him that my role play and being a Domme is like foreplay for me. My vagina is wet after I am done doing my thing and I’m highly aroused and how does anyone want to end a long period of foreplay or arousal???

By orgasm!

I don’t care how, but I want one when I’m done dominating my lover and I want him to be enthusiastic about it for fuck’s sake. I spend HOURS performing tantric sex we BOTH enjoy but I WANT him to WANT to please me afterwards, because he’s developed affection and feelings for me and wants, (key word)…WANTS me to have pleasure. What man has to be told this and HOW am I supposed to feel sexy and wanted? Why would I give my man all my attention if I don’t feel he wants the same for ME?

Isn’t this common sense or man+woman 101? Where am I fucking this up??

I always felt loved by Roger when we slept in bed together and when we made love. We could have had the perfect sex life if we had turned to each other instead of others when we got hurt or hit bumps in the road. We could have worked anything out but we just took each other for granted and holed up in a motel and stopped really being the best we could be for each other. We focused on others instead of our own unique love.

But I have never stopped loving Roger and I have always found him sexy and appealing. I never wanted anyone else and I wish he would have felt the same about me.

I never wanted anyone else, but HE did several times over the years, including the latest one, Vickie, and now I learn, even his wife.

It hurts so much to know I wasn’t enough and that he left me for another affair and then did for her in one year what he would not do for me in 15. I’m not sure I can live with it.

Being with Donny was a band aid for the wound Roger inflicted. Being with Donny was a power trip at a time when I had lost control of everything in my life. It helped for a while but it’s just not enough to sustain me if there isn’t love or great affection between us.

He got what he wanted for a long time and I got to soothe my wounded ego by him wanting me.

But he just wants the fantasy.

Not me.

I’m not real to him, and if he carefully avoids my vagina, he can tell himself he isn’t cheating on his full time lover.

I used to love the dominatrix role I had carefully cultivated and then perfected, but now I think it has brought me only pain. Now I’m not sure who or what I am.

I forgot how it feels to have a man want to put his penis or fingers inside me and his mouth on me.

And omg it hurts so much to say it.

Fuck all the excuses as to why normal vanilla sex was not given to me by Roger or Donny. Fuck all the reasons and excuses for why I no longer got to suck my lover’s dick when the real reason is because he and Vickie were doing who knows what to each other under the influence of a drug that makes you so hyper sexual, cops have stories to tell about what they’ve seen people doing to each other.

They make impulsive, unsafe decisions and have copious amounts of sex. Unsafe sex practices, infidelity, possible shared needles, e coli, retracted testicles, all of it makes me want to crawl away and cry over all I have had to face and accept.

Why did addiction have to take the only person I have ever loved. Why did it have to take someone I loved and needed so fiercely? Why is my pain any less than Lori’s or Vickie’s?

Why, why, why.

I can ask “why” forever but it won’t take the pain away.

Nothing will. But if someone laid a magical drug in front of me that promised to make all the pain I’m feeling now GO away, I’d be hopelessly addicted in no time flat.

I don’t know what to do next, but I know I have to do something.

My life simply cannot go on this way. Losing Roger has laid bare every single one of my burdens, the same ones his love kept at bay.

The only thing I have to take comfort in is my silence. It’s all I have left that I can control.

They say your silence is loudest to those who love you most. That would be my daddy and my lover.

The one who loves me most, who for any one of the past 73 years would have given his life for me, is laying in a hospital bed 2 hours away from me fighting for his life.

And the other has gone deaf.