Ticket to ride

I don’t want to be awake today.

It’s just another difficult day to try and muddle through.

I feel broken and empty and the tears are all dried up and there is nothing left to me but a shell of a person. I feel beaten and defeated and like I have no future when my best isn’t good enough.

I admitted to the man I love my own wrong doing and it was definitely a wrong doing, but I do not feel sparse conversation and one way sex between me and the person I was with is equivalent to an affair where you talk daily and stay together for the better part of a year, but my lover would like me to think it was. Somehow we have turned it around so that my mistake exonerates his own, and he actually mocked me yesterday after all the tears I’ve cried. He laughed at me when I said I missed him and he said it had only been a week and a half. I guess it has to be forever before he misses me and I hate myself. I am stupid and flawed and I am aware of it but I don’t know how to change myself and be a better person.

Now I feel responsible for his betrayal, and because I didn’t provide for all of his sexual needs or I didn’t give him enough, he had to seek out someone better, someone that could offer more and be more sexual and more kind. And more beautiful for sure. I don’t want to be in a contest with her. I don’t want to taste her pussy on my lover’s lips and the thought that I did makes me want to die of shame and humiliation. They can be together forever and laugh at me for all of eternity. He says he told her he wanted to devote time to me, and instead of letting him, she had to see if she could lure him back in and he let her so he didn’t give one fuck about our 14 year love affair. His ego was more important than my feelings. HER wanting him is what is most important.

I just want to give in to the sick feelings dragging me down and replaying in my head but I don’t know how. I would never commit suicide. I’m too chicken and I love my kids and my parents.

And even my own miserable life.

I won’t kill myself. Ever.

But I AM thinking about running away for good. I know it’s an unconventional plan but it sounds more and more feasible every day. Start over. No lovers or friends and no family and responsibilities for anyone but myself.

It is selfish, I know. But I find myself thinking about it just about every second of every hour and I fucking hurt and want to run.

I’ll make my own way and fly under the government radar by working without a license in my trade, because my license is only good for the state I live in and I would have to be far away from here to make it work and to stay hidden.

I think my kids will be most affected but maybe if they knew I was alive, it wouldn’t be so hard for them.

I hurt so much I’m not sure I can put them first, before me, and I never in a million years thought I would ever say this because my kids are the good thing in my life, but I feel like I failed them, too.

Maybe they will find a replacement mother and it will be better for them in the long run.

I think my mind is sound. I would not be contemplating this if it wasn’t.

I don’t think this is just because my lover hurt me. I think this is because I don’t want to be where I am reminded of my empty life and with a husband that is abusive and makes me feel like a prisoner. I think it is a response to a lifetime of shit judgement and failures.

AND yes, the urge to run is also fueled by the hurt bestowed upon me by my lover, because I believed in someone that didn’t respect my feelings and betrayed my trust. I feel hoodwinked. I did what I did with another man to find comfort from the wounds he was inflicting upon me with his other affair that I knew about all along, and because I felt his absence in my heart and I knew he was sharing himself with someone else. Women know when the man they love is focusing his efforts elsewhere. I don’t think he ever got rid of her and I was just someone for them to laugh at because I was the only one that didn’t know about what was going on. She knew about me.

I can honestly say I hate my husband with all that is inside me. There is not one shred of love left between us and he refuses to acknowledge how miserable I am and take any real responsibility for the shitty man he’s always been, and he acts like doesn’t even hear my pleas for a fair and amicable divorce. He’d rather see me sick and alone before he gives up one cent to me. That’s what makes him stay married, the loss of money. How is that in ANY way fair to me? He is the same man that became impotent and rather than share that fact, he just never had sex with me again. I was 50 years old and celibacy was chosen for me by HIM. That’s a crock of crap and I swallowed it.

Yup, he’d rather see me (and him) miserable than have to share one penny of the considerable fortune that he has amassed. I’ve never spent a dime of our money and if he has anything to say about it, I never will. He will hoard it until the day he dies and that, by the way, can’t come soon enough and I don’t give a good Goddamn if I go straight to hell for saying that. I mean every word. I hate that fucker of a man. He robbed me of my sexuality. He wants nothing to do with me and vice versa. And yes, his death would be a welcome relief and an end to the suffering inflicted by his cruel hand.

Yes. Fuck him. He’s been the worst partner a woman could have and he’s devoid of so much love and tenderness that it is almost inhuman.

And the man I chose to fill his shoes doesn’t give a fuck either. All he wanted was a stand in for sex so he could keep the woman he does love..or maybe there is more than two, because I am certainly not enough and never was.

I’ve wasted the life God gave me and I don’t see why disappearing and being a drifter could be any more stupid and frivolous than what I’ve already done with that life.

All I ever wanted was someone to love me and make me feel like I was the only one but I am convinced it’s a stupid girlish fairy tale and every man will fuck you and hurt your heart and soul. And cheat. And you’ll NEVER ever be enough.

Love does not exist for me.

And a life without real love is a life wasted.

There is a quote I remember hearing once and it stuck with me.

“Don’t waste words on people that deserve your silence.”

The way I feel today…

I may never speak again.