The Growing Pains Continue

So it seems I seem to remember I have Open Diary every few years, and it seems to never fail that every past entry is really cringey.

But now I’ve had ✨ consistent therapy ✨ and while I wouldn’t say I’m cured of cringe or perfect in any way, I feel like with every new experience and new breakthrough, I can grow just incrementally more than I was the day, month, or year before.

I remembered this diary again this time because of talking to a friend on Discord, who mentioned they journal. And I was like, “Oh yeeeeeeah I have my Open Diary!”

But I said something to them that I want to remember the next time I pick this up: you should always honor and forgive the imperfect person you used to be in the past. You’re gonna look back on the oldest entries and some of the ones in between, and then some of the scattered ones that you wrote at various points when you remembered this existed.

And yeah. It’s super cringey. But you didn’t know what you know now. You failed a lot, but you succeeded a lot too. There were losses and wins along the way. Your brain was still developing. You were dealing with home trauma that you didn’t fully recognize until you processed it in therapy. You didn’t realize you were neurodivergent and on the autism spectrum. You didn’t know what you know now and that’s okay.

All the past were the stepping stones to where you are now. And while still learning and growing, and figuring out my place in this world, I am proud of how far I’ve come. I’m proud of my growth. I forgive all the cringe. I forgive my past self for all the times I was naive, incredulous, oblivious, stubborn, and immature. I forgive myself for losing myself in relationships instead of facing my inner demons and finding healthier ways to fill my endless depressive void.

I know no one from my past reads this, but putting it out there in the universe anyways: I am sorry to those I hurt along the way. I’m sorry I was flippant and dismissive of valid reasons to be mad at me. I’m sorry I just did whatever I wanted without thinking of others a lot of times. I know there’s probably thousands of ways I could apologize for everything I’ve ever done, but I am sorry for all of it. I know the people I have hurt have long moved on, and probably never think about me. And I’m at peace with that. I just hope all the people from my past are happy and thriving, or at worst just surviving and getting by the best they can.

In any case, I think I have found inner peace and I am currently with a partner that I think is finally the one I will spend the rest of the apocalypse with. For real this time (for real fo real…okay last cringey thing…wait, I can’t make that promise…oh well 🤷)

However long or short the rest of my life is, I just know I want to spend the last of it being a better person than I used to be. To learn from my mistakes and keep growing one day at a time. The growing process is never over, it’s ongoing and it can be exhausting at times, but so worth it.

Just remember to honor the person you used to be. They were growing and learning.

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