goodnight sweetheart

i must ask forgiveness for my histrionics…

it was with resolute intent that i had decided to explore the undiscovered country…

with my 55th next thursday i was set upon stepping off stage…

there is no one and nothing for me in the world…

or so i thought…

i woke this morning to the sounds of a sleeping little buzz saw on my shoulder…

we went about our morning affairs…

we had pancakes and orange slices, he does enjoy his orange slices…

sat and watched the tv…

i looked down into his big brown eyes and told him i loved him and  i would miss him…

as i reached for the needle with the lethal dose of insulin, he put his hand on mine and looked at me as if to say…

“who will love me now?”

for all my selfish need and pain…

for all my childish grief and lament…

for all my constant self involved showers of tears…

this young little life with crossed eyes and a bent little tail asked me who would love him after i was gone…

there was a single tear in his eye…

and such sadness…

there will be no celebration on thursday…

there will be no one to make merry with or for me…

my 55th will be my first alone…

it will be w very bleak and desolate day…

but for my little bosty…

my baby bug, my Hershel Emmet Walker…

it will be the first of many…

i am sorry if i led any of you to worry or concern…

i am not well these days…