surrender but dont give yourself away

Its been 7 days now the ghost of my son has come to remind me that i have failed as human being…
There is a growing piece of me that has begun to embrace his visits…
I need to redraw the lines between separation and repression. I need to surrender to the guilt and not give in to it…
My meds are failing i think. May be time to see about something stronger, something new, something that will bury him again…
I dont want to forget him. I miss him every day. My September “turns” are coming on to soon and too strong…
How do i say to him i want to hold him in my arms when he is scared, hold him up when he is weak and watch him grow… into the man he will never be?
These struggles are not new things to me. They have driven me to drink, drugs, sins of the flesh…
Any fix to quiet the 1:00 a.m. screams of my son…
i set and watch the moon walk across the sky and landlocked though i am i still smell the open waters of the sea, the slight mustiness of our home and the scent of “new baby” mixing with the nicotine that circles my head like a serpentine halo…
I know that soon it will all recede back into the hollow places of my soul, back into the darkness from which it came…
But i hate going to bed any more.. sleep disgusts me…
and 4:00 a.m. keeps coming far too soon…