9 Weeks

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I haven’t even bothered with OD because it won’t let me do anything. The 11th was our 8 year anniversary and we got into a fight. It was bad, I almost left. Then, the 18th was Darryl’s birthday. We also got into a fight the night before/morning of that day too. I just lost it. See, Darryl had been the one counting down the days until our anniversary. When that day came, I guess everything hit him. He said he wanted to go to his mom’s, and he didn’t want to be around me. I pushed back, offended that he would want to spend our anniversary alone and at his mom’s. He said we’d been around each other too much. He stormed off, and I let him go. It only got worse when he came back. He accused me of not caring because I just ignored him and let him leave. I told him I wasn’t going to chase him down and that I leave him be so he can calm down and we can talk like regular people. After a lot of yelling, I finally just broke down and said I didn’t want to do this anymore. How much could losing him too hurt me on top of everything else. I was numb. I guess that got to him. He held me and told me he didn’t want me to leave and that he loves me. He was upset because this wasn’t how the day was ever supposed to be. We were supposed to have Liam. He was upset because Liam wouldn’t be sitting on his lap the next week when he blew out his birthday candles, just like he’d done with Ville. He was broken, so was I. We just sat there, holding onto each other. For the next week, everything seemed ok. Then, the night before his birthday, things got ugly once again. I’m don’t even remember what the argument was about. All I remember was I got so pissed off because I felt like being around me was a chore to him. I finally just up and left when my dad called needing a ride because his car broke down. I refused to tell Darryl where I was going. I just didn’t care. When I got back I told him happy birthday and laid down. He didn’t even acknowledge me. Not long after the fight got going, but it wasn’t nearly as intense. I just explained how I felt. We went back and forth and finally worked things out. I know we need time apart, I’m just so scared of being alone because I always break. I just wish I could escape the pain, even for a moment. Then, there’s other times that I feel like I deserve this pain. I feel guilty when I realized I haven;t broken down yet, then I end up breaking down. Yesterday was especially hard, it marked two months. I missed my mom more than ever. It’s not that I don’t have people who love and support me, but she would have grieved with me. I could have talked to her about Liam and she would have never said any of those awful things. I know this, because she still grieved Miracle with me, even after 4 years. I just really needed a hug from her. I could almost feel Liam’s weight in my arms and my mom’s arms around us both. It hurt so bad I broke down. I broke down this morning in the office too. Even though I knew it at the time, it just kind of hit me that my baby had been in a morgue. He’d been tagged, like an animal and kept in a freezer. He should have been in my arms. He should be in my arms right now. I’ll never in this lifetime get to hold him again. It hurts. I can’t explain this pain to someone who’s never felt it. If you never have, I pray to God you never do. I wish that no one ever had to feel this pain. Today is hard. I miss my baby boy so much. When I said I wish I could keep my children little forever, this was never what I had in mind. Instead, I wish he could grow up with his brother and I wish their sister could grow up with them too. My heart hurts because it’s so bruised and broken, yet overflowing with love for all of my children. It feels like it might burst. Maybe it’s just shattering again. It did this morning when a customer asked me how old my baby was. He would have been 9 weeks old today. I should have seen his first smile. He should be cooing by now. Instead, I sit here crying because I’ll never experience any of these things with my sweet baby boy. I love him and I miss him more than words can say. Happy 9 weeks in Heaven, my precious little Liam. I love you beyond the moon. <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford

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