You Look Sad…
One of my coworkers said this to me a couple days ago. I don’t know her very well, since she started right before I left work, so I just told her I was spacing out. Honestly, I kind of just wanted to start screaming. Of cuorse I’m sad! I’m always sad. Any other emotion I show is generally fake at this point. Do I have moments that I can laugh? Yeah, but it’s not really happiness, just because I find something funny. Why am I sad? I’ve lost almost everything this year. Sometimes I just want to open my world up to people so they can understand why I’m sad, but I never want anyone to understand this pain. Do you know what it’s like to be a grown woman and want nothing more than to curl up in your mother’s lap and cry? Do you know what it’s like to then remember that the one person who was always there, who could always make things seem better, is gone? Do you know what it’s like to look at a picture of your son and feel heartbreak and aching arms because he’s in Heaven too? Do you know what it’s like to clutch a tiny urn in your arms while you breakdown? Do you know what it’s like to want to take the urn everywhere you go because you feel horrible for leaving your child home alone?Do you know what it’s like to beg God to tell your children that you love them and miss them? Do you know what it’s like to want to die, to be more afraid of living than of dying because of the pain? I pray that you don’t, that you never do, but I do. So yes, I’m sad. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly be happy again. A customer told me about a woman who shot and killed her baby, then killed herself. It enrages me that monsters like this are allowed to have children. Why have I lost two children, one of them taking me 4 years to conceive, while people like this just seem to be handed babies. I’m angry that the world is so backwards. It hurts. I hurt. I’m sad.
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As a teacher of some amazing children and not normally a radical….I am starting to think you need to do a test of some sort before being allowed to have a child!
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