The Final Five

France
Patricia Kaas – “Et s’il fallait le faire”
An incredibly polished performance from this veteran French singer who has more that a little bit of the Elain Paige in her performance. The Pashmina wearing, Ballet dancing diva warbles her way through a classic french ballad that sounds like a mash-up of the “Poirot” and “Tales of the unexpected” Theme tunes. Having sold millions and millions upon millions of records across mainland europe over the past two decades, AND fitting the ESC in between dates on a world tour, She has no excuse.

Russia
Anastasiya Prikhodko – “Mamo”
Heh! The old adage about not wanting to stage the ESC next year due to cost implications and therefore sending a crappy act has led to a Father Ted episode. And it seems, to this years Russian entry. Anastasiya seemingly sings about her unkempt hair, she will be duelling with fellow Ukrainian Anti-crisis-girl Svetlana. One-nil to the greased up lady in the hamster ball.

Germany
Alex Swings Oscar Sings!- “Miss Kiss Kiss Bang”
The American swing entry will probably have ricki martin a-like, Oscar Loya bareing his chest. Dita Von Teese will then join him on stage and do the same. One will have glittery tassels, One. Will not. Europe will then be kissing and banging all night and the results will be in the next mornings’ paper. The Daily mail will probably have a fit.

United Kingdom
Jade Ewan – “It’s my time”
Britain appears to have a love/hate relationship with the eurovision. It can seem at times that no one, except die hard fans will admit to watching it, people expressing utter disdain for the contest that they profess not to know anything about or even caring if it is on or not. The day after the contest these self same people will start saying that the contest was a fix, Eastern european bloc-voting means that we will never win, and that we should pull out of the contest altogether because it is a complete waste of money. Opinions as ever are good, but they should at least be well informed and not regurgitated from the Daily Mail. For Pete sake, Its a fun contest. We never win the World cup, Should we stop playing football?

Truth is, for a number of reasons, for the past 10 years or so, since the UK victor in ’97, The UK has entered pretty average and mediocre entries that have no hope of winning. It was only until the shattering “Nil-Points” of 2003, with a really poor live performance from Jemini, that there was increased coverage of the run-up national selection contest. This is of course in high contrast to the national song selection in other countries. Notably Sweden, who have consistantly sent excellent entries. apart from that bloke with the black feathers and the wig. I mean, come on, did you really expect that to work?

I believe Jemini, would have done quite well, If they had sung in tune. Poor lass.

Good songs win contests, its as simple as that. And The UK entries have not been that good. So this year, the BBC decided to adopt a strategy that seems to work for many other countries.

Big name song writer + Big name composer + excellent singer = Good song.

It seems obvious doesn’t it? Other countries use their “Pop idol”/”X-factor has got talent” winners, or pick the BIGGEST star/band/group and suprisingly end up winning or getting a motherload of points.

This year, we have Andrew Lloyd-Webber the song writing powerhouse and genius behind “the phantom of the opera” and cats. Coupled with Diane Warren; The Author of songs such as “Turn back time”, “How do I live”, Meatloafs’ “I’d lie for you (and thats the truth)”. Finally The national selection was back on prime-time saturday night TV and after an extensive competion, Jade Ewan, a west-end stage singer was chosen. Happily she is an excellent singer and even starred in the disney stage adaptation of “The Lion King”

Oddly, acerbic tongued harridan, Arlene Phillips has come along for the ride, and is directing the show stopping number. Well, I guess someone has to.

And personally I thought the Twins would have worked better 😉

The performance itself is a showstopper of a ballad. As props seem to be in this year a giant crystal stair case gets rolled on stage and we have violin players stationed along its length. Jade slowly descends the steps, and wafts over to a white piano. The camera then lingers on the piano player. who. by matter of coincidence is internationally recognised musical Maestro.. Andrew Lloyd-Webber!

After almost pushing Lloyd-webbers face into the camera lens, Jade wafts towards the centre of the stage and proceeds to what can only be described as “light the blue touch-paper” and belts out some serious vocal pyrotechnics.

As a song and performance it is textbook.

Polydor have even upped their game compared to the normally useless promotion that UK record companies seem to engage in during the ESC and have released the song BEFORE the contest ends. Yes, In the past, you would NOT have been able to pick up the UK entry until it had lost. and. In a freak change of nature, HAVE ENGAGEDIN EUROPEAN PROMOTION. someone has finally realised that to have a good chance of winning the ESC, it helps if people in other countries have actually HEARD the song before the final, and y’know what? it would be even better if the tune has or is charted in that country. Hey, it worked for The Russian entry last year 😀 !! Admittedly It hasn’t had steam roller like market-penetration into the european music psyche, but it has been much better then the last few years. Tellingly, the last UK entry to get solid european air-play was “Love shine a light” by Katrina and the Waves. Funnily enough. It won.

However, the UK entry is still up against Hamster balls, Greasy centurions, Nipple tassle waving americans, and a bloke from norway with a square chin and a fiddle.

Spain
Soraya Arnelas – “La noche es para mí”
Spain play it straight and have a perfect european pop song with a pretty blonde with short hair and miles of leg, powering there way through a by the numbers latino dance number. She used to be an air hostess.

The Eurovision Song Contest – Grand Final 2009 – Saturday 1900 UTC