DAD’S DEPRESSING RETURN•MOVING OUT

I can’t be around my dad any longer. He depresses me. I’ve noticed that since he got back from Ghana a week ago I’ve cried every night, and he just makes me feel so hopeless. I don’t know what it is about him, I know I should just ignore it, cause words shouldn’t be hurting me that bad.

They say you should surround yourself with the people you wanna be like. E.g. if you wanna be happier surround yourself with happy people, if you wanna be more religious surround yourself with religious people, and eventually their ways will rub off on you. I don’t want my dad’s ways to become mine. I remember something positive he’s said since he got back. He said my apple-cinnamon muffins looked yum. That was nice. It made me smile. But the only reason I remember it well is because it’s the only nice, positive thing he’s said since he got back.

He says I frighten him with the way I think. It frightens him that I don’t want to stay at home on weekends, and that I don’t feel the need to call Mum the day after she leaves for Queensland. That’s another thing; Mum’s away, so I’m stuck with Dad who thinks it’s his responsibility to control my every move.

This might just be a faze, but it doesn’t feel like one. To me it feels like I have a Dad who hates me, thinks I’m stupid, and expects me to be top of the class at everything. I hate the expectations. I don’t care what I do. I wanna become a f*cking escort or something. I’ll kill myself before I become whatever he wants me to be.

Anyway, he’s bad for me. I can’t even f*cking eat when he’s there. I can feel myself slipping into bad habits. I didn’t have breakfast, for morningtea I had a muffin which made me feel bloated, for lunch I coudn’t even finish half a sandwich, and for dinner I could hardly eat one peice of pizza. Maybe all that has nothing to do with my dad coming back, but it’s been kind of like that since last week, and although it could just be a coincidence it’s an interesting one.

I’m moving out the week after I turn 16. I’ve starting saving. I’ve got two friends who say they can rent out me and one of my other friends a cheap place. So I’ve got choices…hope they last til I’m 16! Someone in my year moved into her own apartment last year. She’s 14. She must of done it illegally cause here you can only movie out when you’re 16. If I moved out before then I know my dad would get people to pull me back home. He’s a lawyer he knows about sh*t like that. Maybe I’ll make friends with that girl and she can tell me about moving out and stuff. Like how much it costs. That’ll be my job for Monday. I’ll try to remember.