**LIZzY**

July 12, 2005

FUK UP

i fuked up so bad. took some panadol then drank half a bottle of vodka and 4 bottles of chik drinks, then i passed out n got taken to hospital. spose it was too much for me.

i dont know why i did it. i was with friends. spose i jus got carried away, didnt realise how much i was drinking.

the last thing i remember is being able to talk, and talking to people, then apparently i started gettin agressive and they dragged me outside to get som fresh air and so i could boot. i booted more than 20 times. everyone keeps tellin me that if i hadnt thrown up i would have died of alcohol poison. the first thing i remember wen i woke up in hospital is lookin at the time; it was 6:30am. my parents were standing there n i said ‘shudnt u be gettin ready for work?’

they didnt know i drank alcohol at all. must of been a shock to them. it would have been a nice way to die – not realising anything, not painful… the only bad thing would hav been that there woudnt have been a goodbye note, my frends would hav felt guilty, and my family would have been devastated. also i wud have died ugly. wen i die i want to be beautiful, so that people remember me like that.

the first thing i said to my mum wen i saw her was ‘i hate you, you always look so innocent’. I cant remember saying it, but i think thats so terrible. i dont hate her. i luv her. shes gorgeous. wat would have made me say that?

the most embarassing thing about it was i fukcing peed my pants. no lie. i was so drunk that i spose i cudnt hold it in! hahaha how very ashamed i am…luckily only 3 of my frends know. cuz i wuldnt be too happy if it went round that i peed in my pants. lol. they took off my clothes to put me in the bath. i was taken to hospital in my bra and undies. everyone would have seen my scars. they would have seen my fat legs. they would have seen me at my ugliest. how embarassing.

has this happened to any of you? please tel me youv done something more embarassing.

to add to the annoyingness of this situation, there was a note in the pocket of the pants i was wearing. not a note, but a diary entry i hadnt typed up in here yet. i dont know what it said, but i hope they didnt read it. i hope kit took it and kept it safe for me.

my dad admitted that he read my diary ‘once’. wen he told me i was unemotional about it. does it matter? i cant change the past anyway. hopefully he read it a long time ago. i wish i was dead. the night before last made me realise that i realy dont want to live. one of the first things i thought wen i regained conciousness was why culdnt i have died. why did i have to boot up that stuff that could of killed me.

wats wrong with me? i must be crazy. i thought i was better. i am?

im grounded for a looong time..wich is fair enough i dont feeel like goin out anyway. im also not allowed to sleep over at anyones house and nobodys allowed to sleep at mine. haah thats gona wreck my social life for a while; how am i gona go anywhere at all if i have to go home after? it wont last long though, i know it wont. altho i wouldnt admit it to them, banning sleepovers was a smart move on my parents part. some crazy shit goes down at sleepovers that they would probably not aprove of.

this all happended 2 nights ago and i stil feel like shit. since sunday night i have eaten half a bowl of vegetable soup and a bowl of cereal. atleast this is gud for my weight. does not eating enough give you low blood sugar? cuz apparently i had very low blood sugar at the hospital. wat dos that mean?

Please answer these qs for me.

has this happened to you or anything like it?

wats wrong with me? why do i do this and why cant i get better? there is not reason for me to be depressed. why do other people want to live so much?

how do you get low blood sugar?

Life's Snakes and Ladders

July 13, 2005

drinking is a great way to escape. i love to drink, but i gotta be careful ‘cos i get even lower. your blood sugar level should be 7, it will be low if you dont eat a lot, and high if you eat a lot of food high in sugar. depression happens, it can be the result from life experiances or chemical imbalances in the brain. either way it sucks. we can beat it, we’ve just gotta believe. take care xxxx

~this*is*me~

🙁 be careful. i hope u get past this rough time… ~*take care*~

DemonGoddess

ive done something fairly similar- i got sent to hospital but not before doing a nudie run down one of the busiest streets in adelaide (it was during rush hour) i hadnt stopped drinking from the night before :S hehehehe- not eating makes your blood sugar levels lower and makes alcohol hit you ALOT harder!!! i always bloat after drinking though- too many cals 🙁 take care *hugs*

paint.me.pretty

July 14, 2005

you know, you always make me smile when i read your notes. i don’t know what i’d do without you. if you ever need to talk, my aim sn is illusionsreality. and my email is distant_dreamer88@yahoo.com. i’m here for you whenever. it’s the least i can do in return for all your notes 😉 xoxo

sure sweetie i’ll add u to my faves 🙂 *hugs* take care xxxx

yeah alchahol is a good escape. till the next day. and then you need more to escape from that low. but you have the strength inside you to get through this. you have to want to get through it. i know its not easy. but trust in yourself cause from what i’ve read you are a good enough person to get through it.

the battle continues

July 15, 2005

ednos is eating disorder noy otherwise specified.

Hmm…I engaged in a “group grind” at a club whilst drunk. That was pretty embarrassing. Maybe not for some people, but I always thought that stuff was incredibly skanky, and I’m very reserved. So yeah, it was really out of character for me and I felt stupid afterwards cuz I was practically dry humping people in public.

Runt

July 17, 2005

I just came across your diary. But if you feel you always have to drink and can’t stop even when you want to stop you might be an alcoholic. Yes, you can be one at such a young age. Also another reason you might be doing this is because you might have a chemical imbalance. Either way this is not a road you wanna take at such a young age. I lived with a father who was a alcoholic

And believe me life isn’t easy with one. He’s been recovered for 20 years now. Yes you could of died and if you feel you should of died, it might be time to seek help, an counsler, a therpist, someone that can help you and guide you to a happier and more stable mind balance. Have I ever done what you have. Almost. I was so depressed with the situation at home that I went over to a friends house

I got so drunk off of Voka(sp)and something else, that I ended up passing out on his bed and vomitting on his landray basket. I woke up shirtless and unzipped pants. I didn’t remember nothing that happen. I stoppped drinking at 4 am (four hours of drinking) and woke up at 8 am and was still drunk and drove home, stupid move. But thank god I made it home safe, and still drunk. My mother found out

cause she could smell the alcohol on me. So could my brother. I had the dry heaves all day, and I swear I tossed up my lungs and stomach too. I didn’t feel good till towards the middle of the week. After I did that I felt disappointed in myself and now won’t ever drink like that again. Now my limit is two and no more. I also have to be careful with alcohol cause I am on anti-depressants.

I also learned that drinking may make you happy for those few hours, but the crash is worse. And I did this at 23. When I remembered what happen that night. I was happy to find I just made out with my friend and nothing more. But the friendship has changed, cause I will no longer drink like that ever again. I have more respect for myself and don’t want to end like my father did for 10 or so years.

Sorry for so many notes. But I hope someone helps you see that drinking is only a short term escape and in the end destroys you.

I used to drink quite a bit, and now I only have a beero or two on occasion. Last drink I had was two beers aroung the 4th of July, before that was at my honeymoon about 2 months ago. If you want to read some scary stuff about drinking & drugs, look at some entried about my past in my diary.

I’m pretty sure you’ve figured this out by now, but you really shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Wanted to die is something everyone has to go through but from experience of friends’ deaths, if you kill yourself, you’ll be leaving scars on all of your friends and even your family which it seems you really care about. Just thought I’d say something. Nice diary, and I hope you feel better.

Living_in_Sin

September 30, 2005

yep still back reading. Hey i shared a bottle of absinth (60% proof and we were doing shots and chasing it with beer) with a very good friend the other week and woke up in bed with each other (this was definitley not supposed to happen since there has never been any kind of attraction between the two of us) But i’ve never gotten quite as drunk as you although i did barf alot from booze at ur age.