trapped

I feel trapped I feel at times like I’m drowning and don’t know how to stop myself.

I love my husband but do I love him enough that I would never leave him if my ex ever wanted me back.. I’;m not sure.

This ex I dated in 9th grade and for some reason I can not seem to get him out of my heart.  I stil have notes he wrote me. and just to keep up to date im 30 yrs old.  I don’t know if I need closure or what..  We only dated for a few months I did not lose any special parts of my body to him but I still feel like I love him.  He broke up with me by a letter and I neve spoke another word to him after that. I was to bitter.  After a few years I tried to force myself to at least say Hi to him and never could get the courage. 

And Im not sure if I do want him out of my heart, I’m scared I will lose that piece of my life. I cant get myself to get rid of the letters.   My heart still feels broken.

I have no idea what I should do.