‘H’

This has been the most confusing couple of days. I’m struggling. *really* struggling. Before it’s always been my head against my heart. My head sends me one way, my heart the other. And that was a struggle. But this time…my heart is in two. I know what I want. I’ve known for a couple of years. I know what I want it’s just…getting round to it? getting rid of that tiny bit of doubt there? building up the courage? accepting that it will hurt people? But, now, my heart wants something else. My heart wants someone else. Or, I think it does. See, there’s the first bit. My heart wants two different things. And my head knows both things make sense. And then…I don’t even know if this second thing is real. I don’t even know if it’s love. I mean, I’ve only met him once…and that I can’t even remember. He’s my best friend. And, best friends aren’t the best people to fall in love with. Or maybe he’s different. man. my head is just arguing with itself. you know how people tell you to write a list of pros and cons? I could go on forever. Everytime I think of a pro, I think of a con to go right along with it. He knows too much about me. I don’t tell people about me. I don’t like people knowin stuff. That’s one of the reasons I was hesitating to meet up with him. Why is he acting like this when he knows all this stuff? Why is he talking about love when he knows everything he knows? I just…urgh. I feel like screaming. I’m getting angry with myself over it. I wish I could just make a final decision. I have. I have made my decision. But, then, why does my mind still wander back to him and imagine how good it could be? But, it can’t. He’s god knows how many miles away from me now that he’s at uni. And…I have a boyfriend…OK, a boyfriend I’m not happy with but that is not the point. But…I’m nothappy with him. And maybe I could be with you…but I know that my logical brain is still working. Sort of. Accepting the L-word doesn’t mean everything else will go away. It doesn’t make me any less fucked up than I am right now. It doesn’t mean…I don’t know what it doesn’t mean. I don’t know what it does mean. I don’t even know what I mean right now.

*has a quick read through what she’s written* Man, is my head really skipping between opinions that quickly? I just…contradict myself. Urgh. That’s what’s making this to difficult. With each factor in it…I agree with both of the opposite viewpoints. I’m going to try and forget about it for a while and concentrate on revising for my physics exam tomorrow. *sighs* although I’d love to ask him for help with my revision. It just feels…awkward. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I just want him to be my best friend like he was and all of these feelings to go away. I can do my best to ignore them…but I can’t ignore him…

-Lauren