One Step Closer…

Dear “Joe”,

Hello, my love. There’s no way to even begin to explain how good it feels to *finally* be saying those words to you again…my love, baby, sweetheart, honey…so long I have waited and longed to speak those words to you and more. 6 years ago, almost to the day, I wrote this: “Since I met you I knew it was kismet. I fell in love with you when I was 16yo. Now 18yrs later I still love you so vastly, so completely, so deeply, so truly that it cannot even be put into words. You are my best friend, my confidant, the man that has always held my heart and soul, my desire, my breath of fresh air, my hope, my love and my soulmate. So many years I’ve suffered in silence, others knowing the entirety but you only knowing what you can feel from so many miles away, because your happiness means more to me than my own.” That is how I have always felt and still feel today except that I am no longer suffering and I don’t have to be silent. I get to tell you how very much I love you, how very much I cherish you and how much I always have for almost 24 years now. 24 years…that is well over half of my life…and you know what? I wouldn’t change it for the world. You asked me if I could change the past and not fall in love with you would I…my answer was no and will always be no. I would never change falling in love with you because you mean everything to me and changing all of that would mean changing who I am. Most importantly it would mean changing the fact that I have had an amazing man in my life, a very special best friend, my soulmate and I have shared an unconditional love with you that so many people long so much for but rarely experience. No, I wouldn’t change one of the most important parts of my life…ever. The thought of you never being in my life and sharing what we have is simply devastating. All of these things, and many more, are perfect examples of how I know, without any doubt whatsoever, that I will not ‘get tired’ of you in a week, month, years or any other amount of time that you fear. I can’t describe the sadness I felt all of these years not being able to be with the only person that I’ve ever truly wanted. There is no chance that I am walking away from us, not after all that I have lived through to get here. So, I’m sorry baby but you are stuck with me for as long as you want me. The immense love that I feel for you is not something that you let go and walk away from…I made that mistake in the past, never will I make it again.

You said the other night that you are so lucky that I have stuck by you all of these years and I only said thank you but I should have also said that I am just as lucky that you have stuck by me all of these years as well. You have also thanked me for always being there for you and being so understanding. Baby, I am so blessed because you have always done the same for me because that is what *we* do. We truly know each other, down to the core, and we love each other unconditionally…what we have is so incredibly special and always has been. I agree with you that we should have been together all of these years. I do live with regrets that fill me with such vast sadness when I think of them. However, I do believe that God has had a plan for us all along and that everything has come full circle how it was meant to be. I have often asked why, why, why and the best thing that I can come up with is that, God’s plan. We have both picked up a precious child along the way and we have learned what we do want and need as well as what we don’t. On top of that, with each passing year our bond only deepened and our love only grew. Now here we are, finally together, able to love each other and be loved how we have always wanted to. We both have what we have always wanted and needed…and we shouldn’t be afraid to embrace it. Yes, there have been a lot of years that have passed us by but we were best friends and we were able to build an unbreakable foundation. We have many years ahead of us to share that will be full of love, passion, friendship, fun, laughter, family, growing old together and many other wonderful things. We have our fairy-tale that so many people envy and would give anything to have.

When I feel hurt you often say that you failed me but, baby, that is not true. In all of these years you have *never* failed me, not even once. You know that I am very honest with you, that I have never lied to you and I am not going to start now. We both made mistakes in our past and let fear get the best of us but even then we didn’t fail each other, we stood by each other through it all and look at where we are today. You said that you are deeply afraid that you will disappoint me but I want to reassure you that it would take an incredible amount to disappoint me, and even then I am not going anywhere. Yes, there will be times when I am disappointed just as there will be times when you are disappointed by me but we truly love each other unconditionally so I know that no matter what we will work through whatever comes our way, we will forgive each other and we will end up even stronger. I have wanted you so much for so long that there’s no way that I am going to give up on you like that. You mean the world to me and always have. You are amazing. You are so very loving. You are unbelievably kind. You make me so incredibly happy and like you said to me, I couldn’t ever imagine my life without you and I wouldn’t want to. You are my harbor in the storm. You are my strength when my fears grip tightly. Just your voice and hearing you say things like, “Good morning, baby.” makes my heart soar and I can actually greet the day instead of loathing the morning. You make me feel so unconditionally loved. You make me feel wanted. You give me a security that I have only ever had with you. You are “home” to me. For so many years I lived with a dim existence, merely going through the motions of life. I was mostly happy but I always felt incomplete because your spot could never be filled by anyone else(no matter how hard I tried). Now I look forward to our bright, wonderful future. It feels so good that my heart has always been right about us even when my brain tried so hard to rebel against that. We have everything we have ever wanted right at our finger tips now and I cannot wait for us to fully grasp it and enjoy every moment of our life together.

I love you, Joe, more than I will ever possibly be able to express in a lifetime but I promise to try to show you as much as possible every day and cherish every moment that we have. I promise to continue loving you unconditionally just as I have for all of these years. I promise to always do my best to treat you with the love, kindness and respect that you deserve. I know that the next month or so isn’t going to be easy but I do know that we will make it through it together, hand in hand, heart to heart. I will be by your side filling you with encouragement, comfort, strength and whatever else you need. I believe in you and I know that you are so much stronger than you think. It all comes back to the song that says it all:

“Low. When you’re feeling low and you just don’t know where to run to. Broke. If your heart’s been broke and you feel like you’re all alone. If you need something to believe in. If you’re looking for a light to guide you home. Just look inside, you’re light is shining brighter than you know. You should know, I’m never gonna let you down. I’m always gonna build you up. And when you’re feeling lost, I will always find you love. I’m never gonna walk away. I’m always gonna have your back. And if nothing else you can always count on that. When you need me I promise I will never let you down. Laugh. I will make you laugh if you ever feel like crying. Close. I will hold you close. You won’t be alone anymore. If you need someone to believe in. If you’re reaching for a hand to guide you home, just take my hand and I won’t let you go. I hope you know, I’m never gonna let you down. I’m always gonna build you up. And when you’re feeling lost, I will always find you love. I’m never gonna walk away. I’m always gonna have your back. And if nothing else you can always count on that. When you need me I promise I will never let you down.”


All my love always & forever,





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