Day two

Day two

It’s morning. I’ve been up since 5ish. It’s so humid it feels like you’re wearing a thick coat constantly, ski s grey though so maybe it’ll rain?

I’m always up at 5ish. I have a child with special needs, they’re an early riser. I love them so bloody much but some days are just so hard you know? When the bipolar darkness is consuming and you have to not only be a parent but also a carer. Is that the correct spelling carer or career? I always get those confused. I can’t really spell, also fuck grammer that shits confusing as well.

I want to go back to bed constantly at the moment. But I can’t, I have to do all self care for my child. They also don’t understand that if I cry when I’m upset I need a cuddle. They normally look at me like…..so you still going to get me those crisps right?

I wouldn’t change them. But a days break with no worry wouldn’t go a miss.

Anywayyyyy. So I’m seeing one of my best friends tonight, they’re incredible and I’m very lucky to have them. I just wish I could talk to them about the cosmic soul. They know about them obviously but just says ‘that ships sailed’ which I know it should have. But some ships never leave the dock. Maybe this one did but it got so far and sunk. Titanic much. No one survived this sinking ship though.

I’ve messaged cosmic soul last few days but trying to get a proper conversation out of them is like getting blood out of a stone. I get they’re tired from work and have their walls up because well I deserve that. But I’m desperate to have a proper connection with them in the last few days.

That goes in stages sometimes, where I carry on as normal for weeks on end, maybe a few months where I can get by on us just sending Instagram reels daily. But fuck me I want a connection that isn’t just ‘id sit on your face if you were here’

I don’t deserve that connection I know that. But doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel like my soul is stretched too thin.

How is it Romeo and Juliet is thought as super romantic but they only knew each other for like a week. But this person I’ve known for twenty years and knew their life inside out it’s seem as weird and tragic?

Imagine you bared your soul clean for someone to see, that someone you hadn’t even sat next to loved you. Loved you for even the way you eat on webcam?

I never pretended to be someone I wasn’t for them, I never felt I had to hide myself and put up a wall of actually I’m not as annoying as I seen. Because my gods I’m annoying.

Now I feel like I can’t expose my heart to them, I’m scared of saying the wrong thing and doing the wrong thing.

I know how it feels to have someone constantly trying to pry into your life and message you random shit. It’s annoying, so I try not to be that for the cosmic soul. They leave me on read sometimes. I hate that.

When we were first friends and to be fair, for a very long time they were very dismissive of my feelings for them. Often took the piss out of me and acted cold. Yet I fucking adored them. Maybe that’s just stupid of me.

Then I got engaged and suddenly they wanted me. Maybe it was a ‘i want what I can’t have?’ or a ‘i never noticed what I had until it was gone’ I wish they hadn’t been 10 years too late to the time. I was right there. I was right fucking there!!!  And then I was gone.

But I’m back now. But I’m still married to someone who is amazing, just they’re even colder and I live with them. Talks to me like shit sometimes. Maybe I’m destined to be with someone in cold and dismissive of my emotions? Maybe I need more self respect.

I’ll never have that. It’s drilled into me that I don’t deserve goodness in my life. If or wasn’t for my child I don’t think I’d be here anymore. I cling to life for them, I’m trying to live for them. And for the baby I lost, who I can’t get over. Whose heart I never even heard beat.

I live for my children. Even if one of them isn’t earth side.

I just wish I could live for me. I just wish I could turn this all around. I wish life would give me a fucking break. Maybe I’ll enter the lottery and I can win?

I was bullied horrible as a small child by a teacher. The anxiety caused me to be cursed by OCD for the rest of my life.

Secondary school wasn’t much better. Actually secondary school was utter shit. My bullied died though. I shouldn’t be smug about that but they used to come out of their way to call me ugly. I may be ugly but at least I’m not worm food. I don’t think they deserved to die, but I didn’t shed a tear either.

First and second boyfriends. Mega cunts well ok first one wasn’t a cunt he was just eighteen and stupid, but aren’t we all at eighteen. Second boyfriend, horrible bleh!

Bullied by my boss for years until I literally had no confidence left and felt I could never ever leave because I was so useless and shed done me a favour by not employing me. Man she got a shock when I walked out.

Life was ok for a while. Actually life was good and then shit with cosmic soul blew up, family angry at me, friends at the time all lapped up that gossip that I was struggling. And the flash backs set in, the panic attacks, the depression.

I got better for a while then I miscarried and that literally destroyed me. I don’t know who I was after that, I became someone I hated because blanking out that pain was better than feeling it.

Got back in contact with cosmic soul and I probably will and truly fucked it up.

Lost a massive group of friends. Was going to kill myself, had to be sent somewhere to calm down.

Life was ok for ages after that. I kept the friends that mattered and made better and newer friends. And then I had my child. The best day of my whole life.

They are perfect, even with the diagnoses they have. Just this country is too fucked to deal with them, I had to quit my job to look after my child.

Now every single day is exactly the same, it’s a broken a record. A ground hog day. I wake up at 5am. I care for them until they go to school for like an hour. Then I sit and stare at the TV before I pick them up. And I do the same thing every single evening, every single night. And then it restarts. Every single day.

I am so tired of myself. I’m so tired of my brain, so tired of being hurt, of not being enough. Of not having any patience and always angry. I’m tired, I’m just so so so very tired.

Cosmic soul left me on read again. It’s not even 10am and I’m done for the day.