annual.

this is my annual reminder to opendiary that i don’t want to lose this place just yet.

this is my third christmas without my father.
this is my third christmas with the best person i could ever ask for.

i think he left me at the right time. i don’t think my heart was big enough to truely love anyone except for my father.
he met my love, he smiled. he knew i’d be taken care of and happy for all of my days.

i’m the happiest i’ve ever been.
i live three floors down from one of the greatest people in my life. i sleep next to my best friend and forever love. i have my own space. i can breathe. i have visitors on the regular and can offer them a comfy place to rest their head. they come for dinner, to play music, to watch movies and weekly Walking Dead gatherings. they visit from afar
it’s also the saddest i have ever been because i can’t share an ounce of this with my father in the way that i want to.

but, that’s okay. i feel him everywhere.
he sings to me on the radio.

weasel died last week. she was an old, old ferret but brought love into so many people’s lives.
Carolyn brought over a candle and we passed it, sharing our favourite things about our adorable, little love.

i miss my dad with every beat of my heart, but i love my life.

i am happy.
but i can’t let go of the feelings that remain here.

stay alive, opendiary.
sometimes i just need reminders of who i used to be.