what you have to.

[she’s a liar. that’s what they know. you do what you have to. maybe you can be a liar, too.]

i should have asked.
she said if i had asked,
then she would have told me.
but it shouldn’t have been
my job to ask.
so, i didn’t.
your reasons for not telling me when you first got home do not make sense.
and she did,
just as i thought.
behind my back,
just as i thought.
with
no
intentions
of
telling
me.
you know i support every decision you make. ever.
(i don’t know
how to think
about the fact
that the guilt
chewed her up
until her body
couldn’t take it
and she was
forced to tell
me simply by her
own burning blood)
why am i not enough of a secret life for you?
"i’m sorry" doesn’t cut it.
it’s 7:28 and i’m crying again.
it hurts this time more
than it’s ever hurt before.
i was holding back tears when your fingers were inside me & in the moments until you left the room.
i want to rip my heart
out of my chest
just to try to
make the hurt go away.
if i’m so different, why would you feel the need to keep secrets from me?
but, at the same time
you could carve LIAR
into my flesh with that
huge knife of yours
and i wouldn’t
feel a thing.
i’ve got nothing but questions you’ll never be able to answer. i don’t know why it hurts so much this time. and, as much as you say it, you don’t even seem sorry. my mind is searching for words. searching for something to put here that could, in some way, touch you as deep as i hurt. but there’s nothing. it’s like.. the more i show you i love you. the more i try to get you to understand that YOU ARE MY HEART, the more freedom you have to hurt me. "she’s not going anywhere! i can do whatever the hell i want." and you do. if i could reach inside you, i’d squeeze your heart as hard as i could causing you the most pain i possibly could. pain that could only be comparable to what i’m feeling right now. i don’t know why this is so much worse than any other time. maybe it’s because i supported this one hundred percent and you went behind my back SIMPLY to go behind my back. because your secret life is more important than my heart. why is that? why will i never be your everything?

maybe i’ll go and
find a secret life
of my own.