What to do…

My son is 17 and practically grown… he acts like he’s 18 or older and all of his friends except for one are older. He does grown up things such as working in the kitchen of a bar every night till 2 or 3am normally though with this stay at home order and our city issuing a curfew he only works til 11, 11:30. He’s got his days and nights mixed up because of this.  Normally he doesn’t go to sleep till 7 or 8am and sleeps till around 6pm.

He’s quit school which frustrates the hell out of me. I had fought with him for years about schoolwork and almost 2 yrs ago I switched him from public school to online schooling because he was constantly getting into arguments with teachers, fights with other students and was doing -0- work. The first year was great, he went from straight F’s to mostly A’s and B’s then everything went downhill. He just quit trying and eventually quit doing any work. He’s done. I worry about what he’s going to do with his life. 

The other thing he does is sell pot. Trust me, I don’t like it at all and I’m afraid all the time that he’ll get caught and end up in jail. He isn’t a big time dealer but big enough that he makes some good money. I have been in the position several times where something came up, such as my water heater breaking down, having to move, needing groceries, etc.. where he took care of things. He paid the down payment for my house, he bought a new water heater, he had bought groceries several times.  He’s even bought me things that I couldn’t afford to buy on my own but that I didn’t ask him to buy. He’s also helped other people with things when they were hurting. He’s a very giving person. Add much as I don’t like what he’s doing, he’s really been there for me. I’ve tried talking him out of what he does many times but he’s made his decision and there’s nothing I can do. I have been told by friends that I should kick him out of my house, that I should turn him in, that I should even disown him but I love my son despite what he does. He’s still a good person and it’s not like pot is a major drug. It should be legal anyway though that still doesn’t make it right. 

He’s hardly ever home. The guy that runs the bar that my son is working at lives in an attatched apartment so my son often stays the night there. He says he’s moving out when he’s 18, which isn’t until next January but he’s practically out now. I worry about him living on his own especially because recently he’s talked to his sister and confided that he has been feeling depressed again. He feels like he is a bad person and feels like he deserves a bad life. He also talks alot about dying. He swears he’s gonna die in his early 20’s. I can’t bear the thought of losing one of my kids. They need to outlive me. At least with him home I can talk to him and reassure him that he’s still a good person and let him know he can talk to me about anything, anytime. He refuses to see doctors or counselors. He doesn’t believe in counseling though he knows it did wonders for my life. He acts real though but he’s not. I’m afraid with him moving out I won’t see our hear from him often and that something will happen to him or he’ll take his own life.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I have tried with him for so long but his father doesn’t help matters… his father was dealing drugs just about a couple years ago, and his dad buys pot from him. He condones what he does, though he’s upset that he’s quit school. He’s not really involved in his life anymore. He met a woman and just quit seeing his son or doing anything with him. He treats him more like a passing friend when he does see him. So I’m dealing with all of this on my own. Anyway, I just needed to get all of that out… I’m frustrated!