4 Hours For 10 Minutes

I love being a standup comedian. It’s an addiction for me. I can write a joke in the morning and try it on stage that very night, at multiple venues. When a new joke works, forget it, there’s nothing like it. Most of the time it’s painful because I’m just trying to remember how to express the new idea, so it’s a lot of struggling and fumbling through the words. Then there’s always the chance that it was a lot funnier in my head and I realize halfway through that this is going to be a disaster. It’s only half of a joke, but I thought I could fudge my way to victory. Blank stares from the audience.

It’s almost 3 in the morning. The Tune shift. Tune is my cat and she’s usually getting nutty at this time of night, so I’ll try to play with her while I’m still riding the comedy high. I drove 2 hours to San Diego and another 2 hours back. I had a couple of fun sets and I got a booking in March, so it was well worth the drive. I would’ve done it for one open mic, but I was lucky enough to get two. 5 minutes a pop and it was totally worth it.

I play my sets back and I usually get ideas for new lines or I just become obsessed with certain laughs, playing them over and over. It’s like a quick drug fix. Wow, I really got them with that line, I didn’t think that was the funniest part! Then I oversell it at the next place and it doesn’t get the laugh because I’m pushing too hard. The more relaxed I am the better the set goes. Take your time, think about what you’re going to say and try to look them in the eye. 

There’s always the dark side of comedy. Watching the young comics, usually male, trying to push the boundaries with edgy material. There’s rarely anything clever about it. Mostly straight white guys attempting to joke about the things they’re not allowed to say. The N Word or F-g. Or bringing up sexual harassment because it’s topical. Tonight’s comic wanted to get the audience on his side with his use of the F-g word. Probably aping a Louis C.K. bit he heard, his delivery is similar enough. The mugging and shit-eating grin on his face makes it that more obvious. He doesn’t get the laughs and sometimes that’s the best revenge. No one is encouraging his shitty material. This idiot has no idea that there are hundreds of assholes doing similar bits just like him.

Another cliche is the word “midget” No one seems to care that little people detest this word. I see it at open mics everywhere. Every hacky short joke in the world. I met a little person named Justin that runs his own mic, people heckled him and called him “midget” repeatedly and he just chuckled and took it. He had much better jokes about his size and knew how to handle it.

I’m not about censoring, I’m sick of that fucking argument. New comics spew bile all the time and there’s rarely a joke attached to it. I’m glad some of these guys get banned, I want to hear from the comedians that write actual jokes! The rest of these angry assholes can rant on a soapbox outside.

Sometimes it’s 2 hours before I get up and I have to listen to so much poison. It can drain all the excitement of doing a set, to the point where I just want to sabotage my own set and start ranting about the fuckheads that went up earlier. I have to step outside and remind myself to be funny. Don’t talk about what the other comics did on stage. Don’t be hell-bent on revenge, don’t make it awkward- just BE FUNNY. Come on Marty, you can turn the room around, show them you’re not a depressing piece of entitled shit. If you want to make them look bad, get the room laughing.

Fight the negative forces of evil. Melissa Villasenor said it best. Be Nice. Be Funny. WORD HARD.

I do 4-10 open mics a week. I have a good circle of Long Beach friends, but I also know a ton of people in Los Angeles, since I started out there. I’m working at a comedy club in Huntington Beach as a door guy. I seat people, run lights and sound, and do the occasional bussing. Being around comedy and getting paid for it. So glad those other jobs didn’t get back to me. I get to watch the pros do 45 minutes in a room full of people- talk about an education.

I’m also 4 years into my relationship with Claire. I’m very lucky. She understands this insane comedy world. She knows I have to be gone a lot and sometimes we’re like two ships passing through the night. I kiss her when she’s half awake at 2am and she kisses me back at 8am when she’s leaving for work. Usually we have the weekend together to catch up. I borrow her car. She encouraged me to do my first road gig. She knows I have to do this and she never questions it. Our relationship hasn’t suffered because we always have time for trips and I can do comedy pretty much anywhere. The only time I really torture her is when I ramble about an open mic I went to and need to vent. Or when I try a new joke out on her, she’s brutally honest. Good.

Last time I wrote an entry I was just starting standup comedy, 4 1/2 years ago. Actor….filmmaker…comedian…man oh man, what have I done this time? I always go for the long shot career! Jesus. But it’s always been about comedy, it just took me 15 years to realize I’ve been walking parallel to the path that was meant for me. Now I’m like Han Solo every time I grab the mic.

Chewie…I’m home.