Smoldering

I feel like crap. Can’t sleep, though I am exhausted. Throat is dry, alternating between being freezing and super warm. I think I’m making myself sick. Hopefully it subsides at least long enough to get through work tomorrow. My shift that shouldn’t exist, because someone messed up the schedule, and thus I am scheduled at 8 in the morning, which is way earlier than I usually ever work. 

The roommates leave in a few hours for the mystical land of California. I’ll have the house to myself. No house parties, it just means I can be alone. I see myself spending Christmas alone here, as well as New Year’s. Everyone else has plans for the former, and I’m in no mood to encroach or be a hanger-on. I’ll sure I’ll get a couple somewhat sincere invites. I can’t make myself make New Year’s plans, so thus nothing will happen. Maybe it’s best that way. No formalities. No pretending. No one else.

The holiday party Thursday night was a bust. I picked up Kayla and headed home, and except for a couple friends I passed on the way in as they were leaving, there was only one non-roommate person there. Oh, and that really cute chick from the bar last weekend. With her daughter. I don’t understand. Everything was video game-themed as far as food, for a group contest that sadly no one else will participate in. There were only three things. I can tell the Super Meat Boy Meatloaf is destroying my stomach, but I was left with an entire cooking tray of it, and I’m poor, so I shall work on it over the next week. People left soon enough and then it was just Kyle giving Kayla a massage for approximately forever. I don’t really like the guy anyway, and he is going to massage school, so there’s another not-so-good reason to dislike him. Or something. I have enough legitimate ones, such as him getting super defensive after a joke and storming off from dinner the one time I had a date over for dinner. I stayed up super late, because they were up, I guess I felt obligated. She said something about sleeping next to me, which would have been nice. Of course, Kyle ended up getting the platonic snuggles that I deserved. And then I got a random text from someone earlier yesterday, which was him asking if he had gotten her correct number. Ugh. Okay, I’m being really petty now, but seriously. Not that I really expected anything, we kind of have a sibling bond, her and I. Kind of. I guess it’s nice to have someone who kind of is sort of close to being family, but we’re not even that close. Though I did always want a sister, and she is fairly motherly. 

I think I’m going straightedge again starting with the new year. I barely drink as it is. After my last relationship I stopped, as the last drink I had was with my ex the night we broke up, which was kind of bittersweet. I started again when I went hashing for the first time(not what it sounds like, I’ll have to elaborate some other time), and then drank a fair bit over the summer. The friends I’d stay with on the weekends when I had to work and had no transportation liked to drink. The one is always looking up random drink or shot ideas and trying them out. Before, I went straightedge so I wouldn’t fall to peer pressure. Well, that was the main reason. It was also a way to isolate myself from others. That’s why I’m doing it this time. It’s a way of bonding that a lot of people seem to think is necessary. I have my moments where I enjoy it, but I don’t enjoy it a ton generally. All I have left for booze is a bottle of TERRIBLE vodka. I can’t remember the name, but it has viking in it. I don’t think I’ll even finish it it’s so bad, I’ll probably just pour it out. Kayla was bugging me not to stop, since she’s newly free and thus in her partying phase. Too bad. I’ll go back to being the DD now that I have a car again. 

Life feels pretty worthless right now, but at least I can help her out. I can’t do much, just transport her when I’m able to, since her ex took the car he promised to let her keep. I may as well be inconvenienced if it can help someone out. I did get out of going to the club tonight, despite her pleading. I can’t enjoy myself around the people I know, no way I’m going to hang out in a place with a bunch of strangers. In that sense, my helpfulness only extends so far.

After I dropper her off at work yesterday, I went to get gas at Fred Meyer. What a colossal mistake. It’s ten cents cheaper than anyone else, and has ten times the traffic. The parking lot was chaotic. People were honking at each other and cutting people off. Eventually I had to cut someone off to get into the line to leave the parking lot. How miserable. Maybe the world should have ended. Humanity isn’t very human these days. And I don’t mean singular individuals going on shooting sprees or specific things like that. In general, people are assholes. Maybe I can’t help but see the worst through my cynicism, but I feel right about this. It’s only getting worse. The internet has caused a lot of it. Under a shield of anonymity, or at least a place to interact without direct and physical repercussions, people are 300% more asshat-ish. The good can come out in society, but it doesn’t last. I’m no saint myself, and I feel like I’m better than a lot of people. At least half, as far as being considerate goes.

I didn’t enjoy my day off at all. Nothing was fun, no food tasted good, in fact eating progressively made me feel worse. I think I spent a lot of the day laying in bed, occasionally drifting in and out of sleep and listening to music. I’ve been thinking about death lately. Let me stop right there to say that I would never, you know, do anything involving it. Just had the thought of it. I would definitely never harm myself. I think it’s cowardly. Whether my life is that bad or not, I take full responsibility for what I have become. It seems like offing yourself would be a way to escape your problems, but it doesn’t end them. The burden of your problems would simply be dumped off onto your family or friends. I guess to someone who wants to die, that wouldn’t really matter. If I killed myself, I’d probably linger about as a considerate ghost, feeling really bad about it, haha. In some ways I do feel like parts of me have died off, and have yet to be replaced. Earlier in the year my future self died, and now it feels like my present self is expiring, while I lament about it in a place crucial to my past self. I’m not sure what things will be like when I come out of this. It’s not the end of the world, just the end of mine. A new one will start after it.

My creativity feels like it is slowly coming back. A song here, a few lines of another one there. I write the most when I’m miserable. Maybe I’ll post something soon, like in the old days. If nothing else, to piss off the anonymous commenterspambotpersonthing that insulted them a while ago. Being antisocial leaves me plenty of time to work on my website, but it’s kind of hard to write hopefully funny articles while feeling as I am currently. When I am less sad and more annoyed, that’s the sweet spot. 

My one existing friend on Livejournal said I should consider making school be my dream for now. It’s a good idea. It’s a tangible goal. I just don’t care about it. It will be an accomplishment to slightly validate the many wasted years of my life, that’s all. It’s a good dream, but it’s not my dream. And this isn’t my life. It’s pointless to lament about g

etting off the path you had intended, and that’s what I find myself doing. I can’t pinpoint when exactly life changed to take me to where I am now. I guess it must have been moving back from Arizona. The best thing I can say about it is that I met a lot of cool people…but where are they now? The group of friends was flourishing when I left. I wasn’t at odds with anyone. Here I am, feeling slighted by life and surrounded by people I’ve lost touch with, wondering what it’d be like if I had stayed miserable surrounded by nearly no one. I could have left everyone at their best, but that’s not me. That’s not realistic. If I were that way I could pretend like things haven’t gone to shit now, both with the relevant folks and the friends that I’ve parted ways with the last couple years.

And so on the rut goes. It can only go so far. I will break out of this at some point and resume life, hopefully with more tenacity and a better idea of how to go about things. For now, there’s no end in sight.