Update

Well, having spent hours in the psychiatric part of the emergency room at Well Known Hospital (he works in a combination hotel/residential place affiliated with it), E was allowed to come home. He has the rest of the week off; an appointment with an employee assistance counselor on Thursday; a psych outpatient appointment next Tuesday; a two-week supply of sleeping medication should he continue having trouble sleeping (he hadn’t slept or eaten much in three days); instructions that if he should even have a “joking” sort of thought about hurting himself he is to get into a cab and go straight back to the hospital, and to attend a minimum of five AA meetings a week (the attending psychiatrist is clearly familiar with the program and knowledgeable about alcoholism as well). At least three people (the EAP counselor, his boss, and I) really thought he should be admitted, but the psychiatrists seemed to feel that he could be sent home as long as the above is all in place. It was a lot of things all crashing in on him at once, and it brought up some other parts of things he had been suppressing that he needs to deal with. However, we had his favorite food for dinner last night (sushi) and he managed to devour lots of happy rolls and pieces of fish tied to bits of rice, and is sleeping as I type this (last I knew last night he was opting to forego the medication), and has at least the rest of the week off to get some rest, go to some meetings, and just keep the one appointment. Also, my uncle, a man who went through something similar a few years ago, has told him that he is available all week should he need or want to talk, or anything else. My uncle became a much better all around person for having been through a similarly rough time.

Dear People Who Think You Need to Be “Strong”: Please know that sometimes the very strongest thing is to let yourself fall apart, and get help, and really get better. It’s not easy; in fact, for people who habitually do not do these things, it’s incredibly hard. But I know that E will now get help with all his pain. He is on an antidepressant, but now he will work with a psychiatrist to see if it is the best one, if the dosage is right, and that sort of stuff. And he will also be going into therapy with a social worker. I am so glad for him as he has a lot of things inside him.

He told me that one of the things that had struck him … one of those things that comes up and out of one’s mouth before one’s mind has even admitted it to oneself … was that although he has continually said to me that he wants me to stay for the kids, because he doesn’t want them to experience a “broken home” (he and I both having had mixed up upbringings, lots more than just divorce), what he really felt and meant was that he didn’t want me to leave him; he was hoping I’d change my mind and stay with him forever. I knew that, but didn’t know how or whether to tell him. I am glad for him that he knows it now, because he will now have the opportunity to work through his feelings in that area as well. And I told him that I’m here now, and that as for the future, we’ll see where life takes us. I will always love this man, and I hope to always be here for him, as a very close friend at least. We’ve been through so much together, after all, and we certainly have made two very wonderful people.

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On the OD Drama front: I am indeed staying favorites only because I have to say that I have some really grand favorites! Go read your own notes, you are truly wonderful people chronicling your lives and thoughts and experiences along with me here. I know there are lots of other people around this place who are also wonderful; alas, there are, just as in the “real world” (I like how we refer sometimes to this place as though it exists in some other dimension), always some ghastly people. I don’t want to name anyone as I hate drama but … I had a reply from the Diary Master nice and quick yesterday. Here is the odd exchange of notes from Saturday night:

“There’s a circle here that seems to spend a great deal of time with you as the subject. I don’t want to get into the middle of anything. Just stopped here to let you know, in case you don’t. I wish you peace. You seem plenty nice to me!” (Isn’t that nice?)

I replied to the above saying “RYN: Thank you for wishing me peace and thinking I’m nice. I don’t think people should waste a great deal of time discussing me though; I’m not that interesting! All the best; and peace also to you.”

To which the person (man? woman? entity?) replied:

“RYN: You have a wise philosophy. I’ve reported the diaries to the diarymaster for breach of rules in any case. Cheers to you!”

I sent in a question to the OD folks regarding the veracity of the above info yesterday morning before I toddled out the door to work. When I got home with E yesterday evening, I had a reply, to wit:

“I’m not aware of any reports from this person, or involving diaries
regarding you.”

Just as I suspected; this is someone who had way too much time on its hands and thought it would plant silly odd doubts in my mind through insidious implications in notes, private ones at that.

I’m fairly sure I can’t stay favorites only forever; know why? I have successfully created an “Interest” … sadly overlooked among the thousands of them available for putting into one’s profile. I noted it just after I had added “P. G. Wodehouse” to mine (at this point I think I am alone in there too). There was no interest category for Cole Porter! Oh my God! I could not let that be! So on Sunday night, just before bedtime, I respectfully submitted it and put it through. Now I don’t think it’s nice to have created an interest and be the one person thus far who has this on her profile, and live in semi-seclusion! However, for now this state of affairs is comfortable, and I shall relax in it.

A whittery bit from yesterday. Happy Tuesday/night wherever you may be.

Into the sweetness of a nighttime escapade
the faerie of all there is in a leaf’s year
invites a slow and weary journeyer
to spend the dark hours in another place

Promise: an easy ride with visits to sparkles
soft lit cave offering immunity from lessened spirit
and now the pilgrim takes the proffered hand
silky small and strong
so we both wink over our departing shoulders
wishing for you all that we have
as we trail tender and shimmering
to where we need to go