My relationships

Pre 16

I was in scouts and at age 13, I went to Luxembourg for the first time.  I remember fancying my friends from scouts brother who was 16.  We were all away together.  One night he came up to the girls room whilst I was napping and pushed his hands down my sleeping bag and started touching me.  I just had the sleeping bag over my face shocked and what was going on as he was the first time anyone had touched me before.  That was my first experience!

Another time in scouts we went to a recruitment fayre and an older boy from the local area who was in cadets was there and a I went to the toilet he trapped me in and locked the door and wouldn’t let me go unless I gave him oral sex.  I had not spoken to him or seen him before.

I volunteered from age 12 – 16, in a local cinema near me.  When I turned 16, an old science sub-teacher began working in this Cinema also.  He was married but had no children, he was 36 at the time.  He worked every shift I did and eventually started to offer me a lift home.  That was until somehow, we never ended up going home and he always used to drive around.  He said I was amazing and fascinated him.  He kissed me and then tried to take it further, I didn’t want to as he was married and 20 years older than me.  He never pressed any further at that point.

I was still in school at this point and after I finished school, I worked in the corner sweetshop from 3:30 pm – 5 pm and then worked in a sun bed shop from 5 pm – 9 pm, each night.   On weekends I would then volunteer back at the cinema.  You could say I was escaping home life.  In the sun beds shop, the owner was another 36-year-old male.  He was in prison and came out on day release sometimes, and I would see him in the shop.  One day, he offered to take me out for a drink, and I of course said yes (who wouldn’t at 16)?  I got dressed up and wore heels and tried to look as old as I could (as per his instructions).  On the way back after two drinks, he pulled over in some side road and locked the car… I guess we can all guess the rest.  I did not know what to do other than my choices going along with it.  I just sat there frozen.  It was that or be left in the middle of nowhere.  My friend I worked with at the time, heard I had gone out with him and was really worried about me.  She too worked at the shop, and we went to the same school.

I remember her calling me, but I could not answer.  I just shut off and zoned out (a master of that now).  I did not see him then for a long time.  That was until he started texting me of a night asking how much the shop had made and Al thinks work related.  We used to make small talk about the day and new things that came out such as phones.  He used to say ill buy you xyz when I am out (was this a way to keep me quiet?) He called me every night at 9pm, and we would chat for hours.  Always about work and then general crap about the news and asked me about my day.  We would talk about his family and daughter who was the same age as me and who I had met a few times.  I won’t lie I enjoyed our talks it was a reliable and in-depth chat each night, with an adult who took interest in my day.  The next time I saw him, was in the shop.  He asked me to do a logo for the shop using paint (exciting).  This time, he locked the shop up and said oh just whilst you create the new logo.  He took me in the back, and you know….  I did say “No” a few times but when your wrists are against the wall you just give up and it becomes whatever isn’t it.  I was the naive young girl who he told me he respected me, and I was ambitious, and he would help me be whatever I wanted in life.

To be clear, I would not call it rape; I would say taken advantage of or taken the piss out of.  I confided in the old science sub teacher in the Cinema on my next shift.  His advice was getting away from him and used to give me good advice regarding school, as you would expect from a teacher.  I started, to trust him and we would talk about how I would get away from this convict on my drive home, which always ended up with me having to give him a wank as payment for the lift.  He even had a box of tissues ready, each time.  I did finish the cinema late and it saved me the 40min walk home for sure.  Thinking about it now, it was insane as he lived 20mins the opposite way.  He once drove me back to his house as his wife wasn’t in and invited me in to see his house.  Anyone who knows me, knows to this day I will not give up a chance to see someone’s home.  Anyway, he said go and look at my bedroom, I remember feeling so uneasy and I didn’t want to go upstairs.  I can’t stress how old looking this man was and how unhygienic he was.   He encouraged me standing behind me saying oh the bathroom is brilliant.   Next the bedroom door is locked.

Anyway, I left the Cinema volunteering about a month after this.  I think I didn’t stop my jobs as although the bad happened, the good also happened.  I craved an older male’s attention but not sexually but someone to confide in.

 

Relationship 1 

Me and my ex met when I was 17.  We met through his cousin my childhood school friend and to be honest, I always found him creepy.  I ended up going on a date with him after him asking for two years.  I wanted someone nice who was my own age (or thereabouts 4 years older).  I ended up getting with him and our relationship moved fast.  His mum and dad were old-fashioned, if I were ever allowed to stay it had to be in another room.  We ended up renting my uncle’s one-bedroom flat at 17 and lived there together, for about a year.  At the time I had finished college and had two jobs, from 9-9 each night.  He had work now and then from his brother, as a labourer.  My brother split from his girlfriend and asked if we could move in to financially support each other.  That didn’t work as he then got his own flat.  We moved back into his mums and eventually, we decided that the flat was too small for us and an opportunity presented itself, that we could get a three-bedroom council flat.  I could not believe it!  We moved and ended up getting two dogs.  So now I was working 9 am-9 pm, whilst he worked a few hours a day and then went home and waited for me to come back.  That is where it all started.

Up until that point, we were getting by and doing ok.  His hours got chopped and he ended up with no job.  Now that didn’t bother me, I encouraged him to find his passion and do something that made him happy.  He promised me that every day whilst I worked, he would go to the job centre and find a job and ask for training.  Months went by and he still didn’t find anything.  I started to have to get Wonga loans (short-term payday loans), in order to pay the council tax as my salary was not cutting it.  I would not say I had the best childhood or stability, so I felt like a failure.  It ended up being that I worked 9 am – 9pm, come home walked the dogs, cleaned up, went, and cared for my father till 11 pm, and then repeat 5 days a week.  I ended up getting into so much debt and had breakdowns.  I ended up approaching him saying this could not go on anymore and decided to give him one more chance to contribute and help.  That is where it got worse, I have always been anti-drug and only ever tried weed, I was not a big drinker.

Silly young me noticed he bought a new phone and when I asked why he said for job searches.  A few weeks later, I found scales in his drawer and asked what they were for he said to bake….  One day he came home after being out with friends and threw up everywhere.  Me being the dutiful girlfriend helped him and spotted a bag of cocaine in his sick.  The next day when questioned he took his belt off and hit me with his buckle, not the first time I might add.  Well, that was it!  I kicked him out and never heard from or saw him again.  I have later been told that he told one of my friends he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, what a lucky escape!

Relationship 2

Me and my ex-fiancé met when I was 21.  We worked together at the time in a bank, and I always fancied him.  He was from Slovakia originally and did not have a large friend group.  When I met him, he had a bedsit and I had finished been single for 6 months.  I was still trying to keep the flat on even though I could not afford it.  Just as I met him, I handed my notice in and had to bite the bullet moving back to my mums.  The sad news was that I had a gorgeous dog called Bravo a Staffy mix as Relationship 1 took Alpha the Rottweiler x Husky.  My mum loathes animals (strange…) So, with the help of my friend mentioned above in the Pre 16 story, we found a perfect new home for him (God that was hard)!

I ended up moving in with Relationship 2 after 6 months into his bedsit (quite the difference).  It did not matter as I loved him.  He was such a gentleman always, always held the door open for me, pulled my chair out, and opened my car door.  Every bit of chivalry you can imagine, a real difference to anything I had ever had.  We then ended up moving to a two-bedroom flat around the corner after about a year, guess what we got a dog (border collie)!  We both worked and has similar ambitions in life, and everything finally felt perfect.  Every possible second, we spent together including at work.  I am by no means an easy person it is always my way or the highway and can be snappy, but we never argued.  EVER.   We eventually decided to buy a house together after 3 years.  I felt love was perfect and accomplished.   Due to me messing my credit up with Wonga loans in Relationship 1, he had to get it in his name.  We found the most perfect 4-bedroom detached house in a good area; the yard was small, and parking was annoying, but it was huge!  At this point, I was working 20 hours a week in the bank and in university full time studying as I wanted more money and a better career in life (working in a call centre, will do that).

After moving into this home, we decided to go traveling for one month in the summer, using all my saved student loan.  Up until this point in life, I had not travelled far and went to a few places in Europe.  I wanted to go to Asia so bad!  Three months later, we went to Thailand, Malaysia, Bali, Cambodia, Singapore, and Hong Kong.  It was the trip of a lifetime.  He proposed to me in the Marina Bay sands and we decided to not drag it out and get married within a year.

 

Unfortunately, it all went downhill, whilst we were away.   I remember he wanted sex, but we were stinking drunk from the epic drinks in Thailand, I do not know why but I did not want it and I remember him not stopping with tears pouring out of my eyes which then took me back to earlier days.  Well, that was it!  We did not have sex for a year, I was always making up excuses.  Our relationship stayed as perfect as it always was minus the sex.  I knew it was not right, but hey ho I am getting married in three months.  I always felt sex was a chore and never got an ounce of pleasure out of it in my life.  My attitude was sex was for having babies, and the man enjoys it.

I had a good group of friends from school, and I always felt shitty on the odd occasion I went out.  I encouraged him to find friends and go out more.  I was his world, and he was mine.  I wanted him to have someone that was not just me.  A new lad (who I had passed by and seen for years) had started his team and was the same age.  I encouraged him to invite him around for drinks and be friends with him.  So, we did, we both made friends with him, and he would come around most weekends for a drink.  He was the total opposite of Relationship 2.  He was absolutely funny, carefree and was out drinking and doing drugs with this friend most weekends.  He still lived at home with his mum aged 30 and had never moved out. I found it insane he lived this free, non-caring life, it was fascinating to see and hear his stories.  I and his friend would drink, and Relationship 2 started smoking weed.  The end of the night was always awkward as he would crash out and I and his friend would continue drinking and gabbing away about life in general.  At this point, we were three months away from getting married.  There was something about how funny, his friend was.  I keep saying his friend, but he was no mine as well.  At this point, I would see him daily in work also and he would always have me howling.  The work girls noticed something, how I looked at him and said be careful.  At that point, it had not crossed my mind.  I messaged him that night and for some reason, it all came out.  I said do you feel anything with no context, and he replied ‘Yes.’  He then said, ‘we should not see each other anymore and I agreed.

That was until Relationship 2 invited him around again that weekend.  He tried saying No and he was busy blah blah.  Anyway, around he came as too many questions where being asked.  We both agreed to both act distant and normal at the same time.  The cycle repeated, he came again the weekend after.  At that point, I confided in my work girls and the advice was just kiss him and see how you feel.  So, we did, and this was it.  I was officially having an affair.  What a disgusting right!  I cancelled the wedding and said it was too soon and he still understood.  We continued for three months, I was living this double life and became a liar and a cheat.  I was exactly like my father!  I felt so guilty leaving him though as he had no one, I dragged it on until after Christmas and finally ended it.  The guilt stayed with me for about three years!

 

Relationship 3

Yep, we are still together almost 7 years on.  The guilt stayed with us a long time, it was his friend, and he was my fiancé.  However, 7 years on and we are still at it.   Thankfully, Relationship 3 got a new job in a different area, as I waited until he moved away to end it.  I ended up going back to my mums for 6 months and then staying in his mum’s 5 nights a week.  I was determined not to fall into a rabbit hole again.  I just want the perfect life and a stable, loving relationship my mother and father did not have.  I craved true love.

The first 2-3 years were tricky for us, we loved each other but at the same time felt so guilty over what we did.  I realised that the funny man was funny when he was drunk and well, that is not really existent any more… is that expected after this long?  I found out that he did not want children.  I had left Relationship 2 for a man who lived at home with his mum and sister and did not want kids!  What had I done!!!!  It was so hard living with his family.  I came from an outspoken family and if we had a problem we dealt with it, do not speak for a few months then become besties again.  His family setup was his mum, stepdad (from age 10), and his sister whose dad was his stepdad’s daughter.

Unfortunately, his dad died when he was 7 and he hated his stepdad.  He was said to have been a drunk and abusive prick back in the day.  No one liked the stepdad including his sister or his mum, but all settled for his shit.  He was always nice enough to me, but it was always superficial and surface deep.  He had an incredibly old mentality where he expected his food on the table when he got home from work, you know the type.  If anyone had a problem they would swallow it, or Relationship 3 would moan to me in his room in secret.  I could not fathom this setup.  His sister is the most competitive and jealous person, I have ever met in my life with me and clearly does not like me (5 years younger).

Anyway, a lot of new shit to deal with, and living in a box room!  It was a disaster.  I hated it, I felt trapped and suffocated by his family and having to bite my tongue.  He never ever stuck up for me and had my back.  I just felt so alone… no excuse though again I fucked up as I am always searching for this perfect easy life.  Thankfully, we got over that together.  After 4 and a half years of this, we finally bought a house.  A gorgeous three-bedroom detached house in the same great area, near my old school, with parking and a lovely big garden!  Perfect.  It is not the easiest of relationships as we fight like cat and dogs over pathetic things.  We are both argumentative and always right people, so we do clash heads.  We get over it though, mainly because he persists with trying to sort it out, I go into a tunnel vision of this is over and done (running away).

We started having my nephews around every weekend and guess what… he now wants kids!  We got engaged in May in a helicopter ride of the great barrier heart reef.  We are due to get married next year in Santorini.  I guess I am getting my happy ever after stable relationship after all.