#2- The Sims

 Prior to this weekend I hadn’t fired up my Sims in quite some time.  I had lost that loving feeling and I was also more interested in getting my place in order for all the out of town family coming in.  But that has passed and being bored with reading, television, housework, beading and swaying on my hammock this long weekend, I fired them up again.

For those of you STILL not in the know (are you living under rocks people?).The SimsTM allows you to create your own family and then watch them develop and grow. You design them from scratch, give them jobs, make them bathe, handle their intrapersonal relationships, and even get them involved in polygamous marriages. Sort of.

But they still don’t do what everyone has been waiting for! Sure, they strip down, but they get blurred out whenever they’re naked (unless you use the anti-censorship patch,which I suspect every sims playing adult has downloaded). Even in Sims 2 all they do is hug and kiss a lot, then woo hoo which consists of them diving under the covers, swirling around like tasmanian devils until fireworks appear over the bed which, is weird in and of itself because I don’t know about you, but even my most aerobic sex session never looked anything like that and no matter how big my orgasm was, I never had spontaneous fireworks commence afterwards.  Then magically babies sometimes appear. B O R I N G! 

I’ve decided, we need an adult version of the Sims.  Come on!  Where are the steamy simulated sex acts? Where’s the leather accessories? Where’s the battery-operated devices? Where’s the rubber doll? Why can’t you click on a female sim and select "Give a Hummer"?

That’s why I want to develop a new Sim game – SimSensationsTM. Design your own whorehouse.  Imagine the possibilities…

• You pick the owner! Elegant madam? Sleazy pimp? Secretive suburban housewife? You decide!

   

• You build the House! Make a 100 room mansion, or run a one-bed crib joint. Set up a couple of house trailers in Nevada or build a luxury getaway in

  Los Angeles .

   

• You select the hookers! Our Build-A-HoTM graphics engine can produce any sort of whore you want, from streetwise teenager to high life call girl to transvestite dominatrix to a "rode-hard-and-put-away-wet 20 year professional”. Mix and match! You can even put in faces of family and friends!

   

• You determine the clientele! Who will you service? Should you go for the ritzy rich people, the blue-collar guys, or hang out by the docks and wait for shore leave? Set up in downtown

  Washington, DC , or follow along behind the Grateful Dead tour bus? You can even visit the website and download the extra Charlie Sheen add-on!

   

• Look out for the Disasters! Random catastrophes can damage your business. Community crackdowns, sting operations, the Religious Right elects a new senator, Dow Chemical stops making implants, The Drudge Report gets a hold of your schedule book, you could even face your own workforce when they try to unionize.

   

• Keep your girls and boys happy. You decide whether they keep their tips, whether they can refuse johns, or whether they have to take on anybody you send at ’em. Do they get their own bedrooms, or do you send them out on the street? Don’t forget to take care of their needs, be they food, new clothes, a fancy car, or a little toot for the nose. Can your employees dream about retiring someday, or are they yours for life? Your call!

   

• All the sex acts are graphically displayed, with fast-forward and snapshot capabilities. You can elect to make them all work perfectly, or click on the "Real Life" mode and let your people deal with impotence, drunken customers, rip-offs, assorted venereal diseases and even abrupt childbirths!

<span style="FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial”>Would you buy it?

Too bad I am not that talented…but OA is…come on OA, I know we can do this.  We’ll be bigger than MAXIS!