Answers, Answers Here, Get Your Answers. (Pt. 1)

Do those newspaper hollah-back dudes annoy the crap out of you?  So loud first thing in the morning.

Mrs. Technically Anonymous asks: What has really been going on with you lately? What happened here that kept you from just your daily Tamara bantering?

I don’t know.  I just don’t know what’s going on with me lately.  I’ve been having some pretty shitty mental days.  But no one knows, not even Brian, because I am covering it all up like a little good girl.  I feel totally anti-social — yet I force myself to be social.  But these horrible night terrors won’t let up and it’s been well over a month already.  I don’t want to call the therapist because I just don’t want to medicate myself through this.  Eventually I will stop the medication and I’m scared if I do it will be worse then.  I just don’t know and that alone is screwing with me big time.  I don’t want to talk about it.  I just don’t want to talk.  Talking dredges it all up and I don’t want it coming up anymore.  I want to fucking forget it all and move on.  I try really hard and it seems fruitless sometimes.  I get so angry at myself because I can’t stand people who get stuck in their pasts — yet sometimes I can’t get out of my own past in spite of how fucking hard I try to do just that.  I try to rise above and I keep getting sucked back down.  It feels like an endless fight sometimes and I am just worn out.

I’m having really bad brain days too.  My thought process isn’t working so well and this frustrates me severely.  Which is why I don’t write.  It really hurts when I go back and reread entries I do when I am having brain fog.  It’s like looking at someone else and it fucks with my head a lot.  So I stear clear until I feel the fog start to lift.

Nothing happened here that is keeping me away.  Oh hell, you ought to know better than that.  If someone was being cunty to me here, that would incite me to come here every farking day just to piss the bitches off.  It’s so odd and for the first time I am at a complete loss for words.  🙁  Nothing is inspiring to me, nothing makes me want to come here and banter anymore.  It’s so weird.  It’s not like I don’t miss you all, I do.  I think of you at least once a day.  I.Just.Don’t.Know.  Since September of 1999 I’ve come here mostly every day and typed my fool fingers off.  I’ve never hit a dry spell like this before.  In addition to just not wanting to write, I don’t want to read either.  I’m sorry, I have the attention span of a gnat lately.  Meh…I just wait and wait and wait some more for this to pass.  I keep telling myself it will.

Vellosa asks: Do you want my Boyd’s Bears or not woman?!

*laughs* I’m sorry I didn’t respond before.  Sure, if you don’t want to just keep them for your lovely little baby, send them to me and I will cherish and love them.  They’ll sure have lots of company!

"Someone" asks: ;): what was your most insanely good sex experience? crap it’s on signed notes. arrghh. I’m all blushing over here…

I won’t give you away.  I actually hooted with laughter over your blushing because it’s so something I would do.  Hee hee.  No need to blush, your secret question is safe with me.

Now to answer your question…it was the first night we were alone in the Keys on our honeymoon.  You might not know but my childhood best friend, Kim, and her mother were the ONLY people from home to come to my wedding.  Kim was my maid-of-honor and I had her mother, who was a surrogate mom of sorts to me when I was younger, walk me down the aisle because my mom and dad didn’t come.  (In all fairness to my mom, she was very ill at the time and deathly afraid to fly.  There is no fairness for my brother, father or other family who were invited and didn’t even bother to respond.) 

<span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Perpetua; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA”>Any way…Kim was a complete and total CUNT the whole weekend of my wedding.  Now, you know I don’t throw that word around lightly because I actually can’t stand a woman being referred to as a cunt.  But I have to call a spade a spade when a spade is a spade.  That whole weekend somehow turned into All About Kim.  Which was really par for the course with her throughout our whole relationship.  It wasn’t until that weekend when I fully saw just how much of a selfish friend she’d always been to me.  We even brought her and her mom down to the Keys with us for the final 2 days of their visit to Florida.  Yes, we brought them with us on our honeymoon.  Can you imagine?  In spite of that, she was still cunty! 

After we drove them back to Fort Lauderdale airport so they could go the fuck home, Brian and I decided to head right back down to the Keys to redo our honeymoon.  When we got there, we were both very uninhibited and I let him go to a place where no man (or woman or dull object) had gone before.  *wink wink*  I was pleasantly surprised and shocked that I actually found it pleasurable. 

Truthfully?  When we are having sex the sex is always good with Brian.  I’ve never been unhappy with the quality…I’m unhappy with the quantity.  I’ve always loved him so much that the sex can’t be anything but good.

P.S. That last date night, a few entries back, hooo ya, that was pretty good too.  .S. This is my 1700th entry!  Go me. 

 CW asks: Why is Barbie so important to you?

To me, Barbie epitomizes everything I am not nor ever could be. 

Barbie was a very major escape mechanism for me when I was a child living in hell.  I could escape through her and be anything, do anything and go anywhere I wanted to go.  I didn’t have a lot of Barbies when I was a child…we couldn’t afford them really.  So all her cool accessories, cars and houses were unobtainable for me.  I remember being insanely jealous of my little friends because they had all the new Barbies, Barbie’s dream house, cars and such.  (I did later get her camper on my 8th birthday…but only because Dad was briefly home and not fucking all the single ladies in town that month.)   

My facsination and obsession with her in adulthood, I think, is simply because I wasn’t allowed to really be a kid when I was a kid.  Not very often.  I was too busy being the adult — protecting my mom from my father, protecting my brother from my mother, protecting my mom from herself, protecting myself from my parents.  I also think my obsession with possessing every Barbie that appeals to me now is because I couldn’t have what I wanted when I was a kid.  I think somehow I am satiating that hungry little girl who still hides inside.  Like if I give her what she wants now she’ll heal finally.

I hope that makes sense.

Mayor of Nerdville asks: What’s the reason for you not writing lately? Not being a smartass, just asking – are you physically okay? Are you just not feeling creative? Is something going on that you’re not telling us? Tired? Into the TV too much (I know I am)? How ’bout your Sims, are you playing that lately? I miss you. Here’s a more serious question which you can answer me note-wise or in an entry, either way – what do you think of Gilmore Girls this season? I’m really starting to get frustrated with Lorelai, and tell me, am I crazy, or does it seem like the show’s not really written too well yet this season? I’m not liking it that much. Anyway, hope you’re okay, Tams.

Well the first couple questions I already answered.  I am tired.  Tired of feeling this way.  Funny thing?  I haven’t been watching too much tv lately.  Even that is not interesting to me anymore.  Guess I am "clinically depressed" right about now.  *shrug*  I’ve been here before, will get out from under it and I am sure I’ll be here again.

<span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Perpetua; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA”>I haven’t played the sims in a long time again.  I did get the stuff pack "Glamour Life" and hoped that would spark my interest in them again.  It didn’t.  I will get Pets next week and I know that will spark my interest in them again because I loved Sims 1 Pets.  But I wonder how long I will remain interested since, again, I have the attention span of a gnat lately.

As for Gilmour Girls.  Bah!  Lorelei is pissing me off — but remember I told you last year I totally saw them inching her back towards Christopher any way.  And truthfully, they are a match and I hope they get it together and stay together.  I wish Rory would get rid of Logan once and for all.  Meh.  I’ve been dvr’ing GG and not even watching it on Tuesday nights like I HAD to before.  So maybe you’re right and the writers changed and that’s why it sucked.  Everything good must always come to an end I guess, huh?

Temmakrik asks: What are your dreams? Your goals? There are no limits, and they can be as realistic or unrealistic as you like, just tell us about those things you secretly (or not so secretly) desire.

Lately I feel empty, dreamless and goal-less.  I’m stuck in some kind of soulless void.  I get tired of dreaming and setting goals only to have them unfulfilled.

What I secretly desire the most is peace.  Lasting peace with myself.  Lasting peaceful feelings towards my "family". 

Material things I desire?  My own home.  Unrealistic desires: adopting a few teens stuck in the system, retiring to a small parcel of land where I can take in some more broken animals and use the broken animals and broken kids to somehow fix each other.  Maybe I desire this because I have such an ingrained need to want to rescue those that are unwanted or abused.  I don’t know — but there it is.  While dreaming this I know it will never be because Brian does not want to be a parent.  I have to respect that.

Overachiever asks: If on 12/31/07 you’ve accomplished 1 thing during the year that you felt good about, what would that thing be?

I’d be at my ideal weight, my blood pressure, diabetes, liver and kidneys would be under control.  That’s all I want right now.

 KillingMeSoftly asks: What is your favorite luxury item that you can’t live without?

Computer.  I sincerely doubt I’d be able to live without a computer now.  (Barbie is a given — right?)

 

Kkiirrkk asks: Hows your ankle doing? Are you still recovering?

It’s actually healing nicely.  I have some bad days with it if I over extend.  Saturdays at Mildreds are a complete killer for me now because of it.  I went out Monday and got one of those Futuro ankle stabilizer/braces and hope that will help on Saturdays.  The rain is KILLING it — oh it aches something terrible when it’s cold and damp out.  I still have to be very careful and aware of it because if I turn the wrong way on it it screams at me and lets me know.  Who knew it took so damned long to heal the older you get.  Bah.  Any way, it is what it is and thanks for asking!

 

Now let me save this before I lose it.  Part 2 coming right up.   (Facking OD keeps screwing with my damned entry.)

P.S. This is my 1700th entry!  Go me!