Last Night

After work I took the train home but decided to walk the rest of the way home instead of taking the bus.  Good for me.  I’m determined now to get this new situation under control.  Actually, I’m starting to get fighting mad about it.  

Even though the news yesterday was bad news, really, it’s not something I didn’t see coming.  I wasn’t blindsided or anything.  I think in the back of my mind I’ve known this for a few years and as said before, because I was going through so much shit with the epilepsy I just didn’t want to face it.  Didn’t want or need anything else to worry about.    The thing that is starting to bother me the most is why hasn’t anyone mentioned my sugar levels before this?  Now I wonder if I’ve had Diabetes Type II for years now and it went untreated.  Now I wonder if skyrocketing sugar levels are what could have been causing my seizures.  There I was happily chomping down as much sugar as I could get.  The more I ate, the more I needed.  That’s what it’s been like for me the past few years.  I’d get a taste of sugar.  Then it was if I couldn’t get enough, I craved it and felt I needed it.  So there I’d sit saying to self, "Uh huh, just a little bit of this Ben & Jerry’s…just 1/2 of the pint."  *scarf down 1/4 of pint* "Yummy…okay, so maybe just 1/3 of the pint."  *scarf that down* "Okay, okay, body, fine, we’ll eat 1/2 of it."  And so on and so on and before you know it the pint is gone and I’m in a sugar daze wondering what the hell happened.  A happy sugar daze, until the guilt set in over eating yet another pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy.  What a vicious bitch I’ve been to my body and now it’s time to pay the piper.

That’s how I see it.

The hypertension isn’t a shock either.  I’m turning into my mother.  My lifelong biggest fear is happening right before my eyes and I don’t seem equipped to handle it anymore on my own.  Minus the cutting, self-violence and excessive drinking.  I see it happening right before my eyes and I can do little to nothing to stop it.  I told Brian yesterday, and this may come as a shock, it did to him.  After leaving the doctor’s I told Brian, "it’s okay.  Really.  I’ve known in my heart since I was a little girl that I am not going to live to an old age.  I won’t be a nice, old lady.  This idea was further cemented in my mind and heart when my mom died before her 50th birthday."  He said, "No, Tam, no.  You aren’t an alcoholic and you aren’t abusing your body the way your mom did and you’re seeking treatment and asking for help."  "Okay, honey…okay…whatever makes you feel better," is what I replied in my mind.  In actuality I just didn’t say anything back to him.  She drank herself to death, could I be eating myself to death?

(When did the diary add-ons start?  *just noticing*  And what’s with the Shift + Enter for a line break which doesn’t seem to work for me?)

So I walked home yesterday from the train.  I skipped breakfast yesterday because of the doctor’s appt.  I went to Wendy’s for lunch and had a grilled chicken breast and one of those fruit bowls with yogurt.  Then I ordered a salad and a baked potato for dinner.  I went home and had that for dinner last night with my first dose of Metformin and the BP medicine…Varampil?  I forget what that’s called.  As I was waiting for my potato to reheat I went through the kitchen and threw out all the cookies.  *nods*  ALL OF THEM!  I asked Brian to please rid the house of soda before he left for work.  He did.  ‘If it’s not there I can’t eat/drink it’ is my reasoning.  In my initial clean out I forgot the box of my beloved Cello chocolate covered cherries.  And last night…the sugar monster came out and I broke down and ate 4 of them.  I refuse to throw them away…I will finish the box and that will be the end of it.  I’ll try to only eat 2 at the most until they are gone.

I told Brian I think my body’s been trying to tell me something the past couple of weeks.  Because I have been having cravings for fresh fruit and veggies where I usually crave sugar and carbs. 

This morning instead of my regular onion bagel with chive cream cheese I ordered a wheat bagel with peanut butter.  It was good, but it wasn’t onion and chive.  *sigh*  I draw the line, for now, at foregoing my morning cup of coffee with extra cream and 3 sugars.  I know I should reduce to lowfat milk and sugar substitute.  But not right now.  I can’t give up everything all at once because I know myself.  I’ll get pissy and revolt and then go on a sugar feeding frenzy.  Maybe in time I can eliminate the sugar and cream from my morning coffee.  But not right now.

For lunch I’ll have a salad and for dinner I don’t know.  I can do this and I will get this under control. 

I’m seeing the pyschotherapist down the hall from my office at work.  I wanted to see his dad but he said his dad isn’t taking any new clients.  Since his dad wasn’t in for me to talk to I just accepted him.  Even though when I’ve seen him in the building before he seemed snobbish and unapproachable to me.  After sitting with him yesterday and making the appointment I think I was wrong and he’s just a little shy.  Which is strange, considering the kind of doctor he is.  It’s not like I have a lot of options because of lack of transportation and my work hours so this is convenient any way.  He’s 2 doors down from my office and I can schedule my appointments with him for my lunch hour.

I cried once today…and the feeling is just under the surface.  I’m hoping I can do a good job of holding it together for the rest of the day.  I can have a good cry when I get home tonight as a reward to myself for keeping it in during work.  We have a big mediation scheduled here for 1:30 PM.  Can’t very well be a blubbering mess at my desk with that going on now can I?