Lisa & SIDS; Diabetes & Food

I got a very sad message back from Lisa this weekend.  She’s a total wreck.  Tells me she can’t stop crying (I understand that, but she has a very valid reason whereas I don’t), doesn’t want to get out of bed and keeps going into the babies nursery and smelling his clothes, etc.  She said it was SIDS.  This is really sad, for the obvious reasons, but for more reasons which I will explain futher on.

Some of you may remember my [former] friend Lisa.  For those of you who don’t, click this for a reminder.  That explains why I wasn’t in touch with my former best friend much. 

She called me shortly after Jace was born to tell me.  I congratulated her and half-heartedly agreed we should get together because I’d like to see the baby.  I wrestled with it in my head and decided not to put myself through another round of one-sided friendship with her.  She lost my home phone number so she’d always call me at work.  I was always polite and would talk to her.  Because frankly I didn’t want to be really rude and it cost me nothing to talk to her.

I was very happy for both Lisa and Gene that Jace was born.  I know how badly Gene wanted a child, and I knew how much Lisa wanted another child. 

A little history.  Gene’s brother’s wife has 5 girls.  His family tortures Dolly (Gene’s brother’s wife) and humiliates her at all opportunity by saying, "You’re defective, you can’t even give us a grandson…you can’t give your husband a son."  Lisa, was NOT liked at all by her inlaws.  They did not want Gene to marry her and at family gatherings they let her know that at every opportunity they got.  They were against Lisa because Lisa has a daughter from a previous marriage.  What they didn’t know, and what even Gene didn’t know was that Lisa had 2 previous marriages and lost a baby before Ashleigh was born.  In addition to that Lisa carries a genetic problem which affects males.  Females can carry the gene but males are affected by it.  Either they die before they are born or they are born severly mentally retarded and have a whole bunch of health issues.  Her older brother has this problem.  It’s called Fragile X.  So Lisa knew when her and Gene got pregnant that they’d have to undergo all kinds of tests before and after she was pregnant.  And they did.  They underwent a battery of tests.  Her, Gene and the fetus.  Healthy.  Healthy pregnancy, healthy delivery, healthy baby.  To me it seems doubly cruel that she did everything right, everything was right and then to wake up one morning 5 weeks later to find the baby dead in his crib from SIDS…ack.  It’s heartbreaking.

I feel so bad.  I called her yesterday but Gene said she wasn’t home.  I think she was home but just depressed and in bed.  I told him to tell her that I would try to call her back later that evening.  I’ve decided all I can do is be a friend to her and to lend my shoulder to cry on and ear to listen.  I feel so bad.  I couldn’t stop thinking about them all weekend.  *sigh*  I don’t know what to say to her though.  Do I say anything?  It’s such a fragile issue, you know?  I don’t want to gloss over it and not talk about it at all…on the other hand I don’t want to bring it up and cause her any grief.  Brian and I are having a tree planted in Jace’s name.  That was actually Brian’s idea.  Flowers die where a tree will live forever.

I went to church yesterday morning and prayed really hard for Lisa and her family.  I prayed God hold them close and comfort them in this awful time.  That He gives them the strength they need to face this and dwell on the happy times they had with their precious son, and not the horrible end.

I started off really well this weekend and for the most part feel I did okay.  Well…kinda sorta.  Friday morning I had a wheat bagel with peanut butter, for lunch I had a tossed salad with balsamic vinegrette (first time tasting that and I LOVED it I just always assumed I wouldn’t like it so never tried it before) and water.  For dinner I had 1/2 a grilled chicken breast and 1/2 a baked potato.  Then later that night I had an apple and…*looks around shifty eyed* uhm, 3 chocolate covered cherries.

Saturday we went out to breakfast and I had scrambled eggs, 1/2 a slice of wheat toast, 1/2 portion of homefries, coffee and 1 slice of bacon.  I didn’t eat lunch.  Brian and I went over to the new apartment to get some measurements and just take a leisurely look around again.  I LOVE IT!!!  We also went to Wal*Mart and bought a new shower curtain.  I went with the rubber duckies theme.  Hee hee.  I couldn’t resist.  Especially since I already have the throw rug and soap holder at home already.  We tried to get new darkening blinds for where the bedroom will be.  We went back to the new apartment to drop off the new stuff and check the blinds.  Sure enough they didn’t fit.  Back to Wal*Mart they go today.

Then we went home and Brian took a nap while I started going through my clothes and packing some of them up and tossing a whole lot of them in a pile to either dump at the shelter or at a clothing drop.  For dinner I had the other 1/2 of my grilled chicken breast and baked potato and a tossed salad with raspberry vinegrette.  Loved that too!  I was doing so well…I had an apple later that night when the cravings started.  I was so hoping that would satisfy the Sugar Monster inside.  It didn’t.  And I revolted and had 2 ding dongs and 1 chocolate covered cherry.  I immediately felt great guilt and told Brian the next morning that he had to take the remaining ding dongs out of the house when he left for work.  Again, if it’s not in the house I can’t eat it.

Sunday we went out to breakfast with Big Gay OCD Ted and his lovely Mom.  I had 1/2 of a western omelette and 1/2 of an everything bagel with some light juice and a coffee.  For dinner I had a chicken breast marinated in raspberry vinegrette, a baked potato and some cole slaw I had made to bring to the cookout with Ted and his mom that never was because I now have to eat no later than 6:00 PM because of the medication.  I find myself feeling really badly now if I skip a meal or don’t eat and take the medicine at the right time.  He was in Salem the entire day with his mom and when I didn’t hear from him I just assumed they decided to forego the planned barbeque and have dinner in Salem with his mom.  He called me at 5:45 PM to let me know they were on their way back to the house.  I left him a message telling him I wasn’t upset, etcetera, but that I when I hadn’t heard from them I had to go ahead and eat.   The hungry Sugar Monster came out again last night about 8:00 PM, right on time.  I ate the remaining 4 chocolate covered cherries and a weight watchers frozen fudge pop.

We went grocery shopping yesterday before Brian went to work.  OUCH!!!  It sure does cost a lot extra at the grocery store trying to eat healthy.  YIKES!  But I did really well and stayed totally away from the middle aisles.  ALL my shopping was done from the outskirts of the store.  Fruits, veggies, lean meats, fat free or lowfat dairy.  *nods*

Today for breakfast I had a cinnamon raisin bagel with peanut butter and my bucket o’ iced joe.  Other than my morning bucket of Joe all I’ve been drinking now for almost a week is either water or unsweetened iced tea with lemon.  I’m REALLY REALLY proud of myself on that front.  It’s really, really hard not to drink my beloved soda.  REALLY hard.

Not bad for the first few days eh?

Anyone have any suggestions on how to fight my late night Sugar Monster?

Oh!  For those of you who mentioned the South Beach Diet?  One of my bosses said the same thing and he’s bringing me in all the stuff he has on it this week.  🙂

As for the emotional problems, those are still there and it’s a daily fight to keep my emotions in check.  Today is a very bad day.  Yesterday was metsa metsa.  I was mostly tearing up and crying alot feeling badly for Lisa and Gene.  I cried in church and Father Joe saw me.  After mass he came to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and told me to please call him.  He’s noticed me missing for the last couple weeks and he said he knew something was up.  I promised to call him this week.  I want to any way because I need to request a mass on behalf of Jace.

Now I must get to work.  Settled a big case at Friday’s mediation and I need to get the paperwork going.