Mish Mash Patty Whack.

 Give my dogs a bone.  Not your bone, mind you. 

Things I’d Do If I Were A Dude 

1.  I’d write my name in the snow.  But I wouldn’t stop there.  I’d also write my name on the side of my old high school, and maybe, if I could track him down on a certain former boyfriend’s car.  And my local Starbucks.  Then probably on some sort of prison document because with all that public urination that is where I would be going.  Bummer!
2. I’d grow a mustache because a) I could and b) because no one is wearing them these days and I like to be different.  I could also stop plucking these nasty chin hairs and grow a goatee to match my new mustache.  Look out now, I’m stylin’.
3. At sporting events and in bars I’d announce my presence with a loud "Helllllllllllo Ladies!"
4. I’d shop at Mr. Big ‘N’ Tall because even if I weren’t, it seems manly.
5. I’d address my male friends as "bitches" because it’s what all the kids are doing, and if you do that as a woman, it is always followed by a very uncomfortable silence.

Are you Really?  Crazy?

I come across many diaries where people identify themselves as "crazy".  I believe this to be untrue, and suggest that instead of being "crazy" what these people are is either a) "zany" b) "kooky" or c) "whacky".

But in case you are still wondering, here is a checklist for craziness:

1. Does the communication in your romantic relationshops fall solely into the category of "telepathic"? (Not unlike my love affair with Rob Thomas who sends me life telepathic affirming messages like "Your Hugs Rock!" "You are an excellent driver" "Your ass looks totally excellent in those jeans").
2. Do you think that, and I am not committing you to anything here, but, do you think that there’s a really good chance that you are the next messiah?  If so, do you take the train/bus with me?
3. Do you have more than 21 cats?
4. How about zany hats?  Do you wear a lot of those?  (Bonus points if your hat serves a dual purpose like being super fetching and also filters out any kind of harmful rays or if the hat is made from an aluminum pie plate.)
5. In enclosed areas, do people stand as far away from you as possible? (But that could also be a bad case of B.O.)
6. Do you mumble angrily to yourself and then stare intensely at people nearby? (Deduct one point if you are a computer geek at work.)

None For Me Thanks

I do not like fish.  I especially do not like sushi, because, after all, it’s raw fish and what I imagine to be its unpleasant taste, and also because in some ways it makes me think of "The Emporer’s New Clothes."  And the people I know who say they love sushi, always say it like this: "I loooooooooooooooooooooove sushi!"

And I say, "the rice with seaweed and the raw fish?"

And they usually add something like, "Well, there’s also cucumber!"  They seem defensive about it, which adds to my theory that people only pretend to like it.

Then I weigh that theory against the fact that it is the number one snack food in Japan, and that it seems unlikely that the entire population of Japan, who to the best of my knowledge I have not met, not to mention hundreds of thousands of people all over the world are only eating it to prove me wrong.

But you never know. 

 The Grind Is Slowly Killing Me

As I was walking down the steps this morning, on my way to the car to get to work, I thought, "people are always bitching about it being Monday.  How come no one seems to bitch about Thursday?  Thursdays suck because it’s one more day before Friday. So you sit around all day at your desk thinking, ‘one more day to go’ which makes Thursdays seem to go on forever."  So I’ve decided, I hate Thursdays. 

I really hate Thursdays during the summer rerun season because I get no new episodes of ER.  Fuckers.

EDIT:

Frikken fracking horizontal rule bars are now frikken messing with me.  GAH!!!!  I remove you.