I grew up fairly normal I thought. Singly mom, youngest of three. I am sensitive, insecure, private but I fake it really well. I am average in pretty much every way. I don’t get angry, I hold everything inside until it comes out in tears. If I ever do scream or yell, there is something that has built up. It isn’t that I am not angry. I am angry a lot. Like I want to lash out all the time, but I don’t. My middle sister and I grew up very close until middle school. We are really different. She got different friends. Everything was a competition. Don’t get me wrong, with sisters, there is always a fierce love, but I am so different than my sisters that they never really got me. Always the running joke of being adopted or the milkman’s kid.
School, I was average. I got average grades. I wasn’t popular but had popular friends and some not so popular friends. I didn’t have a group but one best friend. I sort of just eased through. High school I got bullied a bit by some of the popular girls and later realized it was because I was friends with their boyfriends or that their boyfriends liked me. I had a boyfriend my freshman year, he was a senior. He cheated on me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. He still calls all these years later. He called my moms house on my 30th birthday to wish me a happy birthday because he didn’t know where I was living at the time. Junior year, I had another boyfriend. He forever changed me, verbally and physically abusive and that is what I thought I deserved, so off started the rest of my journey.
I am overly sensitive, an empath. I can feel others peoples energy and I take it on. I hate that. I am prone for depression and anxiety and my body feels it all. My body hums all the time with energy from not being able to get rid of that energy.
I used to be a gymnast. Now I love to swim, but I can’t currently do that because I am having back spasms so bad I can’t stroke because of that spasms. Here is an outlet to try and get it out.
I had a tough conversation with my mom this weekend about my dad, he passed away 14 years ago from brain cancer. We didn’t have a great relationship because he chose his wife over me, she hated me. He never communicated with me. When he was dying, he kept saying “I have a lot of explaining to do”. He never did. Turns out my mom had some explaining to do too.