I am reading this book about bouncing back after being in a vortex of down.  What happens when you have had multiple downs?  I feel like for me I have to work through those downs because I never have before.

This particular author was sexually assaulted and she was able to justify it when one of her friends said “people are just weak”.  Excuse me?  WEAK?!  So every time someone does something bad they can use that as an excuse?  I was weak.  NO.  Just fucking NO.

When I was in college.  I lived with two of my friends in a condo.  There were 3 guys that lived 3 doors down.  Young people everywhere, we all hung out all the time.  I had just gotten dumped from a guy that I dated for almost a year, so I wasn’t into looking for a boyfriend.  One of the guys from 3 doors down I knew had a crush on me kept showing up, but I made sure to keep it in a group setting.  He would show up on my balcony when he was drunk or come knocking or whatever and my roommates would laugh and say how cute the the had a crush.  I never gave it any mind.  We all laughed it off because that is what we do as women right?  We laugh off what makes us uncomfortable.

One night the guys were celebrating one of their birthdays with a party bus to all the bars.  My roommates couldn’t go for one reason or another, but I was friends with all of them, so I went.  I particularly liked hanging with the nerdier of their roommates because he was sweet.  The one that had a crush on me was really drunk and kept saying I was going to stay with him that night.  I knew I wasn’t but laughed it off.

At the time I was working two jobs and had to get up early the next morning so I only had a few drinks.  He, on the other hand, was wasted.  When we got back to our condos, his other roommates girlfriend was really drunk so I took her upstairs in their condo and put her to bed.  When I got into the driveway of their condo, he was out there with two of his friends.

I said goodnight and headed for my house.  Suddenly the air shifted and he grabbed my arm and said, “I said you aren’t leaving and you are staying with me”.  I tried to pull away but he was about 6’2″, 250lbs.  Next thing I knew I was over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.  I started to panic.  I had a dress on with boots, so at this point I knew his friends could see everything and they were laughing, it just echoes in my head still.  I wrapped my hand around his face and tore the skin off his face.  He threw me on the hood of his truck and pulled me down to the ground by my feet and kicked me in the face.  He was still staggering, so when I recovered, I on all fours used that momentum to take off running home.

A while later, the nice roommate came over to check on me.  I had a dislocated jaw, of course a fat lip.  All I could think of is, what would have happened if he got me inside?  What if I drank too much?  Did I lead him on?  Why didn’t I see that coming?

The next day, I called the police, they wanted me to press charges.  They spoke to him and he told them he was joking around, but they said by the looks of both of your faces it didn’t look like a joke.  I didn’t press charges because it was his word against mine and his friends were the witnesses.

I didn’t tell my roommates why I moved out a week later.

I told them a few years later.  I couldn’t be in crowds for a while, I still hate it.  Now when someone likes me, I am almost too direct.

Do you think he was weak?  NO.  I heard he assaulted his ex-girlfriend before me.  I think weakness is an excuse.  I think some people are just shitty and weakness is a poor excuse for people to treat other people horribly.

I am proud of myself for fighting.  I am ashamed I didn’t press charges and fight harder, but I wasn’t ready at the time.  I know now that it wasn’t my fault, but it took me a long time to realize I couldn’t have known that his crush was violent.  Not me.

I still have that stupid dress I was wearing.  I need to burn it, but I kept it to remind me that people are shitty sometimes.  I think its time to burn it or trash it and move forward.

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