Why Do I Hang On?

This Morning was a hurtful morning…  I have done so much to prepare for school for my criminal justice degree, I want to be a officer, I want to help my community, I want to serve and protect my community, I want to have excellent health benefits for my family, I want an amazing retirement for my family.  I want to work hard, earn good money, and just be an amazing person that I am for helping people in need.

My Husband, was angry with me, and he had told me my dreams of being a cop is stupid.  I don’t do anything for him, I’m selfish, I’m a terrible person, I’m mean to him all the time…  You know what?  I’m not mean all the time, the moment he disrespects me, I tell him off…. I’m not selfish…

I’m scared doing something different, I’m scared to get out of my comfort zone, I’m scared I am not going to make it, I’m scared I’m making a mistake when I know I’m not.  My biggest fear is failure.  I have defeated failure…I’m afraid it will come and haunt me.

Just the fact my Husband is supposed to be my best friend, he is there to support me, he is there to help me, he is there to lift my hopes and dreams, and he does none of that….  He tells me I’m beautiful and the next minute I disgust him.  He tells me I’m pretty, and the next minute, he’s telling me how hot these other chicks are.  He tells me I’m amazing, and the next minute he tells me I’m lazy.  My feelings have been hurt so much.  Especially when he tells me I’m stupid, I am not good at anything, and my dream of being law enforcement is dumb.

Things like this… It hurts for a moment… But its fuel… It’s fuel for me to prove them wrong, it’s fuel for me to show them what I am capable of.  Its hard because all my life, people have told me what to do, how to live my life, what I should do, how I should do things, and how to live MY life.

The past three months, I have done the complete opposite of that.  I have been doing what I should be doing, I have been working hard so I can go to school, I have been hitting the gym as much as possible so I can be physically fit when I go to school.  I have been seeing results in my work outs.  For a while I thought I wasn’t going to see results, but I kept on going… I kept on working out, I kept on running, I kept on my push ups, my sit ups, my pull-ups, and I just kept on going.  I can do more push-ups now with out the breaks.  I can do more sit ups in a minute time frame, and I can do more than two pull ups.  I’m slowly getting there, but I’m also getting there.

I set a goal for myself and made an inspiration board, and I have a few goals that are short term and long term.  So my short term goals keep me going once I meet them.  My goals are:  1. Get my Tattoo of my dream, 2. Going to School for Criminal Justice, 3. Go to Glacier National Park, 4. Go to Alaska and see the Northern Lights, 5. Fitness, 6. Budget and Save Money, 7. Buy a House, 8. Family always comes first, 9. My Faith in God, and 10. Family trip to Texas to the ocean and take my kids there to the beach and enjoy the time we have!

My Husband is an ass, but I’m trying to deal with it.  He really hurt my feelings this morning when he said that my dream is dumb.

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January 23, 2021

Sad to say but you maybe heading down a path where the cord needs to be cut so your not dragged down on hole you can’t get out of.  Also sounds like he does not want you beong better then him. Hope he can get on the same ship as you.