Oy, I have a lot to get through here.  Bear with me on the grammar, just trying to get this shit out of my head.  So yeah, I really like Otha a lot, but because of the Rhonda situation, I rarely get to see him.  So there’s this dude at my work.  I thought he seemed really nice.  And he’s cute and he’s definitely more intelligent than most people here.  So, I’ve kind of liked him for a little while.  Nothing serious or hardcore… just like, “Yeah, I kind of like him, I might go out with him if he asked.”  And he did.  Last Wednesday after work, I got a Facebook message from him.  He gave me his phone number and told me to text him.  So I did.  We chatted a lot for a couple days, then he invited me over Sunday night.  While we had been texting, there were a couple of things he said that had rubbed me the wrong way, and I thought maybe things just come across different over text message.  One thing, not so serious, is I said something about how I’d never go to 1st shift.  I would be miserable.  And he said something like, “Why wouldn’t you take it, if it’s more money?”  I was like, “Well, it’s not.  But even if it was, I don’t feel like being miserable just for money.”  And he said something like, “You’re such a goober…”  I was like, “Okay…”  Then he asked for a tit photo, which yeah, I’m a whore, so I sent it.  But instead of saying much about my tits, he said, “Can I ask you something?”  I was like, sure.  And he said, “Can you stop looking so mean in all your photos?  I know this sounds like a boomer, but you need to smile more.  Your smile is so pretty.”  It pissed me off so bad.  I HATE when men tell me to smile.  If I don’t want to, I won’t.  And it was the way he said, “Can you stop”? like it was bothering him and he actually has a fucking say in what I do….  So, I tried to shake it off, even though it pissed me off so bad.  Gaslit myself into thinking I’m too sensitive.

But when I went to hang out with him that night, I was immediately uncomfortable.  He pressured me to come over until I said yes.  First red flag.  I was just going to stay for a couple hours, but then he was like, “No, wear your pajamas, it’s a slumber party.”  I didn’t want to wear pjs because all my pjs are shorts because I get so hot when I sleep.  It’s fucking cold outside, so I put on some jeans before I left.  When I got there, he was immediately like, “I thought I told you to wear PJs.” like it bothered him.  I was like, “I can just take these off…”  So we go back to the bedroom and lay down and turn on a scary movie.  The movie barely starts and he’s already climbing on top of me.  And yeah, I admitted I was nervous.  And he’s like, “Why would you be nervous.  I don’t get it.”  I was thinking, I don’t know I just am.  I’ve had a lot of sexual trauma and I only barely know you.  I couldn’t say that, though.  And then he said something like, “You do have nice tits…” and I was like “Thank you.” And he said, “Did you just say thank you?  Why are you so awkward?”  Um, is that not the appropriate response when someone compliments you?  What was I supposed to say?  You have nice tits too?  I have no fucking clue.  But the answer to the question of why I’m so awkward is social anxiety, sexual trauma, and autism….also you’re making me not feel safe.  (Not like I think he’d hit me or hurt me.  I mean emotionally safe.)  Of course, again, I can’t say that or explain that right in the middle of sex, and even if I did, it’s obvious at this point, he wouldn’t understand that.  He kept asking me why I would do something or say something.  I’ve never been asked that shit before.  I really started to think I was just really fucking weird, but I’ve never had anyone else ask me such things.  And all through the night, it just felt like anything I said or did was wrong… I felt like I was right back with my ex.

I’m just really confused.  I really thought this guy was super nice.  He seemed that way at work.  Why was he almost a completely different person when we were alone?  Anyway, the whole experience left me feeling depressed, and it made me miss Otha so much.  It made me think of how truly kind and sweet he is… how he makes me feel comfortable and safe… how he doesn’t make me feel weird or awkward because he’s similar to me in that way. … how we have so much in common and how gentle and sweet and patient he’s always been with me.  He’s always asked before doing anything, not just throwing himself at me and mauling me like a fucking animal first thing, like this guy did.  I literally cried on the way home from this guy’s house.  He even left a fucking hickey on my neck that I’ve had to cover up with make-up.  Didn’t even ask me if it’s okay to leave a fucking mark on me that everyone can fucking see.  Fucking humiliating.  And all yesterday, I kept thinking maybe I AM weird and way too sensitive, but after writing all this out, no.  I don’t think I am.  I think I am more aware of how I feel and how appropriate certain things are now, and how an emotionally intelligent person wouldn’t say and do the things that he did.  Even if I am weird or sensitive, he should be more empathetic to it, instead of semi-insulting me.

I started thinking about Otha and I’ve felt like he doesn’t message me first much.  I was so depressed yesterday.  But last night he DID message me.  He said he was at work alone.  I asked if he wanted company, and he said yes.  But literally as I was about to go see him, Rhonda fucking showed up.  She asked him why he was at work so late alone and who was he texting when she walked in.  So, he said he tried to stay until she left, but she said she wasn’t leaving until he did.  So apparently, she suspected something was going on.  It was, but that’s none of her goddamn business.  She’s NOT his girlfriend.  He doesn’t want her.  But she wants to control him.  Doesn’t want him to be with anyone else.  It pisses me off and she needs to disappear.  But this man… he’s so kind.  So much kinder and sweeter than any man I’ve ever met.  So much more respectful, and after being with someone who is not those things, it makes me fall for him even more.

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