I haven’t written in a while.  I’ll try to make it short considering the amount of shit I have to update.  I pretty much gave up on Otha.  I did go back to him for another tattoo a few weeks ago, and again, we had fun talking/groping.  Even for a few days after that he was actually texting consistently and he messaged me FIRST which is rare, then it died down again.  With him, I feel like it’s an “out of sight, out of mind” kind of deal.  He might like me, but not enough to care if I drop off the face of the fucking earth.  And after listening to him and Rhonda talk… she’s too much a part of his life for there to be any room for anyone else.  He says she’s not his girlfriend, but they are friends, and they do everything together and there is no room for me in there.  He can’t see anyone else without her getting jealous and fucking up their business together.  I also think it’s a good excuse not to have to open up to anyone else.  So, I haven’t talked to him since New Years Eve, when I just said happy new years and he said it back.  Now, I don’t text him or comment on any of his shit on FB anymore.  I’m tired of always being the one to initiate or try to keep even a simple friendship going.  It’s exhausting and it feels pathetic and demeaning.  And it seems like he really doesn’t give a shit, because this is the longest I’ve gone in a while without talking to him, and he hasn’t tried to talk to me either.  So it seems like it wouldn’t matter to him if I were alive or dead.  It’s really painful to think that it’s so easy for someone to just not care about having me in their life anymore, when I thought we were close…

I have been seeing someone else kind of.  This guy at work Josh I’ve had a crush on for a while.  My friend Cheris told him and at first, he was already talking to someone else, but that ended, so he started messaging me.  At first things were a bit awkward.  The first time I went to his apartment, we had sex, but it was the first time in years I’ve had sex with someone that was actually enthusiastic about it and was actually touching me a lot and not just using me as a sex doll.  It was awkward and he noticed, and I ended up explaining that my last ex didn’t ever seem like he liked sex, we only had sex once or twice a year the last couple years and he was never enthusiastic about it… didn’t care about my needs and he wasn’t very good at it.  I’ve had sex with 3 other people (besides Josh) since then, and they were brief encounters where I was basically just used to get off with no intention of making me enjoy the experience.  I mean, I feel like Otha would have tried if we hadn’t been rushed and not wanting to get caught by his obsessive non-girlfriend.  *Eyeroll. *   Sex with Chris was just him straight up using me.  Sex with Troy sucked because he obviously wasn’t very into it.  It lasted like 5 minutes…tops.  So, someone wanting to have sex with me for hours… wanting to touch me… kiss me… trying to me sure I’m the one that is pleased… it shocked me.  And I couldn’t even believe how much it shocked me.  Josh even asked why I didn’t touch him much when we were just cuddling and I told him it always seemed like my ex didn’t even want to touch me or have me touch him, so I got used to it…. someone not wanting even the smallest contact with me.

We’re not official or anything.  He’s very confusing.  We meet up almost every weekend, get drunk, hang out, have a lot of sex.  He’s said someone the sweetest shit to me I’ve heard in years.  He’s incredibly smart (rare considering where we live), funny.  He will occasionally say something the rubs me the wrong way, but then will immediately apologize once he realizes it’s hurt my feelings a little.  We have a lot in common (not being religious, being liberal, ect.)  The problem is, he’s said we’re not serious or official, but then a couple of times, he’s slipped up and said, “I love you.”  And he said, “Wait, did I just say that?”  Then literally an hour later will say how great it is to have sex and not have feelings.  Then the other night we were talking about how alike we are, and he said, “This might actually turn into something…”  I agreed, but then an hour later he said something again about not wanting to be serious.  Once he said he doesn’t have feelings for anyone, but then said how awesome I am, and he loves me as a person.  Even offered to go places with me (like doing boyfriend-type shit).  Maybe it’s just because we’re drunk.  I don’t understand it.  But I’m having fun.  I know it sounds fucked up.  But I’m fucked up and I’m just rolling with whatever life throws at me now.  I’m just like, “Oh, this is happening now… whatever.”  I don’t want to jinx anything either, so I’m just going to say, it’s fun.  Whatever.  I do know we enjoy each other’s company, whatever the hell that means.  And my god… the best sex I’ve ever had.  He does things I’ve wanted other people to do, but they didn’t care enough about me to do it.  And the other night, we were at his friend’s house, and I went to the bathroom… when I came out, he was standing there, and he grabbed me and shoved me against the wall and kissed me.  I’ve always wanted a guy to do that, but no one ever did.  It was so fucking hot.  lol.  Anyway, that’s all right now.  Later!

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