Night Time Feels

This is my first entry, I just felt like writing. Lately, I have been feeling lost and have been feeling like I have not been myself for the past year. I just want to vent my feelings out and just type it out. Last year I was impacted by COVID in the worst way ever, working from home 10 hours a day, living alone while my fiancé was away for months, no social communication, and to top it off I had my first panic attack. I would not wish that on anyone, I was rushed to the hospital since I felt like I was dying and was running out of breath and eventually left my job since it was the main stressor. Then as the year kept going so did anxiety and had to learn how to cope with it and was doing better until my birthday when I found out my fiancé was cheating on me by messaging multiple people while claiming he loved and missed me while he was away.We started working on us and try to figure out what was the next step from that and then my father fell ill and passed away in August. He was my last parent and I felt like I couldn’t continue anymore, I feel like I am on  My heart was broken and I felt like my whole world was broken down and I kept questioning myself what did i do to deserve this. One bad thing after another and can’t catch up on my life. Fast forward today, yes I am still with my fiancé and i feel like I can’t leave him because as stupid as it sounds, I love him. I know since then he had a wake up call and I know he is trying to make it up by doing things that would try to make me feel something, but  I feel like I have been numb and lost in my feelings and thoughts. I feel stuck and feel like I really don’t have anyone to understand what I am going through. Yes i am going through therapy( A LOT OF THERAPY) and it has been helping, but I just can’t seem to cope why hurt someone who loves you and would do anything for you and for you to just try to live a single life? Anyone out there even reading this and thinking the obvious answer, I know.

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