How dare I!!
Im such a crappy person. How could I do that to him?? How could I get so angry with him over something he has no control of?? What balls I have, throwing that shit at him when he’s having a hard enough time as it is?!?!!?! What balls I have making him feel guilty for even working at all?!?!?!?
How can I make him feel like shit for being tired from working?? How can he be afraid that if he doesnt leave work right on time I will be upset??
I shouldnt have acted that way and I regret it now.
Im such a fucking cunt. He deserves so much better than me. Im such a shitty person for treating him like that. He does everything he can to make me happy and I just shit all over him.
Im such a fuck up. Im angry with myself for treating him this way. Why do I do it?? Hell if I know. Youre guess is as good as mine.
Lately Ive been having the urge to drink alot. I dont know why. I havent had that urge in probably a year and a half. But now, when hes gone, and Im lonely, I want to drink. I know thats not good. I know it wont help. Its not a medicine, I tried it before, it didnt work. So why would I want to send myself down that path again? Whats wrong with me?
What you are feeling is normal. You’ve got a lot going on right now (what with planning a wedding and all) and your brain is so stuffed…I don’t blame you. I get the same way with James all the time, saying or doing things I don’t really mean to, just becuase he comes home exhausted. I know that you feel bad, but the only thing you can do is try to work out whatever issues you are having and apologize. He loves you…he’ll understand. *HUGS*
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A lot of what you write sounds familiar and if I’m honest I have spent many a night apart from L drinking far too much. Like you say I just seem to be drawn to it even though I know it’s not good. On the other hand it can be good to let your hair down and relax and if a few drinks help you do this where’s the harm?
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Sounds like some serious anxiety, honey. Wedding plans, your man being gone for days at a time and needing to spend most of his home-time resting (it’s not his fault but I still don’t blame you for being sad from lack of attention – you’re only human!), and money issues…good God, money issues alone have me wound up so tight that I’ve started having anxiety attacks for the first time in years!
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My guess is you want to drink because you need an escape from all those intense bad feelings, that’s normal too! The only way I know how to calm myself down when I’m wound up like that is to cry and cry and cry – complete emotional melt down. Most of the time I still feel like sh*t but at least I get a tiny bit of relief. Just…take it a little at a time. You’re not a bad person, it sounds…
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…like you’re just trying to find ways to deal with all that stress. You love Stephen with all that you are. It’s so rare when anyone finds someone who loves them that much, he’s _lucky_ to have you and I’m sure he knows it! 🙂 Awe, I feel tense just reading your entries sometimes. I sympathize, I really do. And like the first note says, what you’re feeling is totally normal!
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