And all around me everyone is doing their thing.
I’d do my thing if I knew what it was I liked.
When you grow up in a family like I did you lose yourself.
Your’re 12 years old and your father works away a lot so you write to him telling him all about whats going on in your life and he sends back your letter covered in words that hes circled.
Yep, he has circled all the times I used the word “I”
So much for telling him about all that was happening in my life.
That was the easy stuff. Getting kicked around was the hard stuff.
But I’m not going to go into that. It doesnt define me.
I wont let it. I wont let him.
My dad is a fully blown raging narcissist you see.
Like a real one.
I wont go into that either
But I will say my mother is one too.
She spent all the money she had on designer clothing and diamond rings and going out with her friends. Never kissed us, hugged us, loved us. Too busy loving herself.
Now shes on instagram taking photos of herself every single day with a following of thousands of people who adore her. Need I say any more.
Now Im not jealous. Im pretty, successful, independant, earn an excellent living, happy.
Mostly I am happy that my parents were such shitty parents because they thought me how to be a good parent. All I had to do was the opposite of everything they did. And thats what I have done.
I tell my kids every day that I love them and I kiss and hug them to death. I put them first. Always. And that brings me back to where I started here.
I never do anything for myself.
I really dont have a self.
Ive been googling How to Love Yourself recently.
I get things like. Take a bubble bath
Eat good food that is good for your body.
Fuck that shit.
I really dont know how to love myself because if I treat myself well like my mother did with herself and if I put myself first like my father did then I am acting just like them and I cannot do that.
So I dont.
I dont want to be a martyr either.
I cant bring myself to book a holiday for myself
I cant bring myself to buy anything for myself because theres nothing I want.
I feel empty.
I have no needs and thats weired right???
I dont want jewelery, or clothes, or makeup or concert tickets
It comes to my mind that people who are depressed are like that.
Not wanting anything.
But Im not depressed.
Today I tried to write a list of what I want.
Thats what I mean about not knowing myself, not knowing what I want. Not knowing my self. Self
If I had a choice between an item or an experience I think I would prefer an experience. Or maybe not Im not sure.
I think I know one thing…..
I want to know what I like
What I like to do, have, want, be…..
I know this much.
I want to live in a house that has beautiful artistic things around it. A mixture of old and new.
I want to lie beside a pool in the sun and not work for a change
I want to …..
Thats it cant think of anything else.
Now Im not complaining.
I know I have a great life. I work hard so I do.
Bringing up 4 girls on my own, two out in their own houses, working and two left at home.
But now my youngest is 17 and they dont need me so much any more
Time to concentrate on myself for a change.
We are going to the shopping centre tomorrow.
I hate shopping centres. I usually sit in a coffee shop and work on my laptop while they shop and give them my card to pay with.
Tomorrow I am going to do things differently.
I am going to shop for…………….
A pair of shoes for work.
Black high heels but not too high.
Nylons for work
Slipper shoes to change into when I come home from work
ok, now how about something not work related for myself…..
What will I buy or do for myself this coming weekend.
Thats not work related.
I cant think of anything.
Maybe two nice bedside lamps for the lockers each side of my bed.
Yeah thatd be nice.
That’s a start.
I look forward to getting to know myself over the coming months.
Things I am going to concentrate on.
Smell….wearing different sents and body creams instead of using the same perfume all the time.
Touch…..When I do buy, buy things with nice textures to touch.
Taste…..Eat consciously, noticing the taste of my food instead of scoffing it off and being surprised its all gone and I dont even remember eating it because I’ve been doing something else.
Sight…..Go visit some art galleries and look at the artwork. Go to Ikea and look at the rooms theyve got on display.
Listen…..Listen to podcasts as I do my daily exercise, walking by the sea behind my home.
I got a plan
Now I am happy.
I am my own best therapist.
And Im getting to know myself.
And thats good.