Quick Failure
I write this as I am intoxicated. I only wrote just a day ago about the need for sobriety yet here I am. I can’t even stay sober for more than 24 hours. Who am I? Who is this person that yearns for alcohol in the same way someone yearns for love?
I drank half a pint today. I stopped myself short as I wished to drink at least two more shots…
My daughter’s school called. She is having maladaptive behaviors. I haven’t attended parent-teacher conferences. I honestly and truly did not know the memo had been sent out. The weight of being a “default parent” is heavy to carry. I feel as though I am failing her. I spoke with her personally today. At 11 years old she admitted to feeling unseen and unheard. What kind of mother am I? I was once so devoted as a single parent that I felt it was us against the world. Every breath, every movement, and every thought was about/for her. Now here I am, neglecting my own child. Or should I say children, as I have an almost 5 year old…
The guilt is here but so is the alcohol. I attempted to divert my mind today. I went straight from work to a Doctor appointment then straight to a pottery class with a close friend. All I could think about was the moment I could get my hands on a bottle of Crown.
What is wrong with me?
As promised, I reread yesterdays entry. But I only just now did so. Now that I am intoxicated. And I feel even more ashamed.
How do addicts do this? I commend anyone who has made it past a week.
The irony- I am a group therapist. I am a low titled, bottom of the totum pole, lacking of knowledge human who psycho-educates people on how to use coping skills via CBT and DBT to correct their thinking and behaviors. Yet I can’t even help myself.
I am a fraud.
Alcohol is a seductress. For some it soothes anxiety of mind and body. For others, it replaces a friend.
@junetilde This is a great perspective and created a great contemplation in my mind. I have trouble with increasing anxiety. It was wavering until a good friend of mine moved further away from me. We went from seeing one another every other day to once every two weeks or one week at the best. She has been the greatest and most supportive friend in my life. Having her far away makes things difficult as we have very differing schedules and even just a simple 30 minutes away makes it difficult to see one another. I have felt quite isolated by this. It sounds pathetic but it is something I need to truly work through.. without alcohol.
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I’m thankful I’ve never had the desire to drink. Alcohol destroys lives! I pray you get the help you need; not just for yourself, but also for your children.
@ashestoashes I wish I could say I agree with you. Alcohol is not something I believe destroys lives, but it certainly makes things difficult for those subsceptlable to its numbing behaviors for those of us with addictive personalities such as my own and for those who have trauma to work through, as I so much do.
I appreciate your prayers despite the fact that I am agnostic. I will accept good vibes where I can receive them.
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